If you are reading this, I hope you will allow this little 'outburst' into cyberspace. It doesn't concern you, you see. And it won't be a blog in my usual style of blogging. This is a letter I have decided to write. I have thought about writing it and then burning it, or writing it and then keeping it in some sort of journal beside my bed. but then i thought i'd just blog it and then it can stay as a record of me having written this 'thing'. and i can read it back to myself whenever i'm thinking. or i can ignore it if i don't want to think. and hopefully it will 'help'.

Dear you.

For starters, I know you will never read this. I am launching it into cyberspace on your behalf, i suppose, because i have to say something. and because it won't be me they'll choose to speak at whatever opportunities arise for speaking to be done. and it also won't be me who volunteers to speak, because you know that at whatever family get togethers we have to recognise this happening to us, I'll be the one helping in the kitchen, distracting myself from the reality of things.

I want to start by telling you we all care. I know we've now said this to you countless amount of times but there it is in print. Also, we don't blame you at all for this horrible thing that has happened. This thing which we all see as 'surprising us' which came from nowhere, but which had been camping out in you for years. but it's not your fault. and all of the upset that you've seen since it was discovered isn't a reflection on you, it's a reflection of exactly how much we all care for you, collectively. the family collective will miss you horrendously.

And individually? well, i'm not one of those people who thinks it 'goes without saying', i vocalise everything - and I have. You know you will be missed. And it's not even because I used to see you all the time, but I will be thinking of you in all of those gaps that will emerge in 'things' once you have really gone. at christmas, you won't be the one who walks me down to the bookmakers at the boxing day races, debating the odds. you won't be the person i ring to discuss my latest scrape in my car, or my insurance, or my mot. i'll miss you whenever i drive on specific roads, roads you taught me to drive along. and funnily enough, i'll miss you whenever i hear 'born slippy' or anything by fat boy slim/primal scream.

The entire time this has been going on, I have rarely vented it towards my friends in an honest way. I have only shared my grief with my car stereo. but i almost think you'd recognise yourself in that and you would think that is ok.

Well i suppose in terms of last words, nothing could be good enough for you. and the above certainly isn't. it's certainly not what you'd 'want' me to do, either. but it's what i'm going to do to post my last message to you into the air. And as each goodbye is our last goodbye there isn't really much point me saying it again.

I love you and it's ok to give up, if it's time.

x Kath x

So, I wrote something last night when I couldn't sleep. Here it is, blogged. I think it's one of my better efforts. Not best, but better.

At The Core

Even in the blackest moment
in the darkness, by myself
the part of me that loves you very much
remains. and all alone
it's resting in the core.

You know something? You'll never catch it out
You'll never touch the door
to no reply
it's almost like a tv screen
on standby
it hums away its solitary song.

And no, it can't hear reason, sight or sense
it's way beyond ideas of right and wrong
it just exists. and all external things
can't even touch it gently
and here it is
immune
even to the air.

So, exactly how, you ask
can it be killed, if nothing touches it?
the answer is a gradual progression
a slow breakdown
- making an effort
quietly, to hold it off
strategically, and almost gently.

you see? you can remove the outside
piece by piece until you've got
the core exposed.
And then? Well, then
you can destroy this loving piece
with just one fist.

-x-

So, tonight I am thinking about all the various people in my life, all their little hang ups and the things about themselves they'd maybe like to change, and all the things that make them them.

and i found this quotation/poem thing, which i really like, which maybe illustrates something i'd like to say but can't find suitable words of my own (as per usual)

Conch

In front of the mirror in my parents' bedroom lay a pink conch. I used to approach it on tiptoes,and with a sudden movement put it against my ear. I wanted to surprise it one day when it wasn't longing with a momentonous hum for the sea. Although I was small I knew that even if we love someone very much, at times it happens that we forget about it.

---

-x-

Hello

The subject of this blog is the name of the song that I used to refer to as 'our song' in relation to a couple i used to be in. this weekend i suppose i made the mistake of returning into that past relationship with pretty negative results, but at least it goes to prove it's over. i find it impossible now to go back to the person i was when i was in that really destructive relationship where literally nothing made sense. all thathappens now is that i am able to look back on it and think to myself 'that really wasn't you'. which i know is a good thing because i fell out big time with that version of myself.

so i guess i proved a point, somewhere along the line, that it's probably the right time to stop re-visiting the past and pay the future some attention. it's time to be a little bit more honest, more free, less worried all the time.

i've been writing more and more lately, time to share, maybe...

hmm.
and maybe not.

As I'm writing this, there is no relief that it's the weekend - I'm working again tomorrow. still, i'll remain hopeful that sunday will be relaxing and a chance to catch up with a friend who promises me some gossip.

what's the gossip with me? well...

i suppose it fits under several categories.

starting with work:
my appraisal with the boss was this week which (or so I'm told) is meant to be the time when YOU do 75% of the talking and the boss listens. well, no such luck. never mind though. after what was nearly an hour's rant about a member of my staff, we finished with a quick ten minute 'yes, but ur really very good' chat which i suppose is better than nothing. i'm always caught in two minds about my job, because it grants me a lot of freedom to decide what's important and do it on the one hand, and on the other it sometimes zaps all my energy because i spend my whole time trying to be a good manager.

6 months ago now i went through an exhausting experience at work where my 'rise above it' skills were tested to the maximum and found wanting. although every bad experience is a learning experience, it irks me once i get into a position where i 'would have reacted differently'. the benefit of hindsight is a bit of a bugger because it leaves me very frustrated. i should have done better at the time.

outside of work:
i'm still living in the shipwreck that is my family. and my house is a ticking time bomb. i've got to get out of it.

friends:
i sometimes have the strength and the ability to be a decent friend, and sometimes i don't. at the moment, i don't. i described earlier how i can 'bleat' a lot when things aren't going my way and i can't tell the truth of how i really feel, so i replace it with 'bleats' and apologies.

i've always been told i expect too much of my friends. i was once let down and decieved by a friend at university and when i was angry and ranting a close mate told me 'what you have to understand is that nobody else is on your level.' and that comment has always stuck with me. but when ur curled up in bed thinking about how rubbish and unjust things can be sometimes, all of that 'perspective' stuff disappears out of your head, and you just need the basic human stuff that everybody i suppose takes for granted.

i don't usually 'do' selfish. it makes me feel all sick and guilty. but i've had 24 years of being the opposite. so, sick and guilty will probably stick with me for a while.

-x-

Someone wants me to blog my 'to do' list, which isn't too hard as it exists in 'hard copy' in my journal. So here it is... en blog. i don't know why there are 21 things.

1. get married and honeymoon over the west coast of america (route 66)
2. learn to play guitar
3. slow dance in a clearing in a wood with someone, without music
4. get my phd and become, eventually, a professor
5. publish a book of my poems
6. see a moose in the wild
7. have 2 children
8. raise an orphan lamb/calf
9. keep warm with someone i love on a balcony watching some city lights, maybe paris
10. have a passionate kiss on the steps of the sacre cour
11. give a lecture on macbeth to a room full of first year english students
12. live for a while in bath, where i can see the abbey
13. be proposed to
14. wear a stella mccartney dress
15. take all my best girl mates for a week away in the sun
16. have a reading/watching room of floor to ceiling books and films
17. have sex on a plane
18. walk down a catwalk
19. ice skate without being terrified
20. submit completely to another person
21. sing live in a pub by myself

I couldn't think of a topic for this blog but really I should write one as it's been a while. There are several things I don't understand these days, but I'm starting to get a lot clearer on the things that do make sense.

Work has got a lot better recently. I've been recruiting which means I've been delegating, and all in all that's been making my working life feel a lot less cluttered and helps me to actually push forward with the 'proper stuff'. i'm liking being a manager a little bit more than i did before and i'm a bit more contented with the 'detatchment' that has developed between myself and the people around me because of my job's position.

On the downside, I am experiencing a long, drawn out and significant departure from my family which has made me think in great amounts of detail about 'the bigger picture', i guess, what i want, how exactly i'm going to manage to get it, and whether i'm willing to wait a little while at least, or work through whatever stands in my way, before i can get what people constantly tell me i should have, or i deserve.

The idea of deserving stuff is a bit interesting. Or maybe it's a grey area. After all, every day i feel like i'm surrounded or confronted with people who have things that they don't deserve, and on the other hand the world is full of people who never really get what they deserve, whether it's bad or good.

I've been reading up on personality types lately too,a and discovered that as an 'enfj' personality i have very set opinions on right and wrong, and get all of my input/emotions/judgements on everything from the people around me. which is definately true if you read my blog backwards. well, actually read back in time, as backwards would be difficult.

I've never really taken much out of personality tests in the past but when i read my enfj profile it pretty much had me completely pegged. stuff like 'should spend time alone but doesn't like it' is me right down to a tee.

I've been thinking about all of the people I have in my life and exactly how I interact with them, and what it means. I spend a lot of time analysing how i feel and 'why' these days which isn't necessarily healthy but might help me in the long run when making decisions about what i should do in the future, or who i should be with.

sorry if that all sounded a little blathery but I'm glad it's the weekend.

xk

the song 'best of you' by the foo fighters has never been one of my favourite songs. but i heard it on the radio today on the way back from a friend's house and i suppose the way it starts, with the line 'i've got another confession to make' sort of 'got' me and i found myself singing it as i crawled to the right junction on the m25 and ended up at home.

so, my friend and i didn't get that flat. instead, we were gazumped. more so than anything, i wish that 'gazumped' was actually some sort of code word for 'cuddled'. nope, some people decided it was worth more to them a month. on reflection, i'm ok about it. i know there are more places out there and possibly there are more flats with a better character than that one. when we find what we're looking for, my friend said, we'll just know it.

people say that 'you'll just know it' about a lot of things, don't they. houses, jobs, relationships... 'you'll just know'. well maybe i've got news for all those people. you don't just know. i'm pretty certain, more certain than i've ever been, actually, that instead of the right 'thing' coming along and hitting you in the face (however much you wish it would) you actually have to start from somewhere and end up somewhere else. you don't just land in the middle and let out a sigh of relief.

i let my brain sort of get carried away with the idea that you just 'know' for a while. but i think that about a year ago i started to think, particularly about relationships, in a different way. i'd just about got over what i saw as my most 'powerful' partnership with another person, and it allowed me to reflect. nope, you don't just know. nobody does, actually. in fact, loving someone else made me feel utterly adrift, a bit sea sick i suppose - and probably my most lonely. whenever it happens, i lose complete track of myself in everything. my chances of 'just knowing' and managing to connect with whatever sense of human instinct i had left, were nullified. i guess i was swamped by the other person, the intensity of it all.

so, what happens, then... when i'm driving slowly around the m25 singing 'best of you' and thinking 'bloody hell these words really do mean something to me at the moment and i've heard them so many times'...? what happens is, i am more and more drawn into a sense of panic that i'm going backwards. and it's funny saying that when we all know the m25 is a huge circle. everything connects. if you carry on driving you'd end up where you'd started. if you start driving the wrong way you can be screwed up for hours. the m25 plus 'best of you' really isn't that much of a good combination.

the song says
'i'm no fool
i'm getting tired of starting again
somewhere new'

but does anyone ever really end up somewhere new when they start again?
i don't think i have.

x

I'm looking for the escape hatch at the moment. does anyone know of an escape hatch? quite a strange thought, actually. i'd quite like an escape hatch to exist. there are only very few times lately when i'm able to completely remove myself from whatever issues are running around in my head. it would be quite nice just to sit somewhere where nobody would know where i was and nobody would wonder what i was thinking.

this week has been quite momentous. i've decided to move into my own place. i think that having my own four walls will provide me with some much needed time to focus on something else for a change, to take some of the power back over what i do on a daily basis. i suppose being at home with the folks i get too many opportunities just to sit alone and think. and think. and think some more about people. people, people, people. other people dominate my brain at the moment. lately i haven't even been able to eat properly because of fears for other people. it's becoming quite ridiculous.

i even have terrifying dreams where i wake up and i think 'holy crap, is THAT what i really feel?' dreams where i yell at the people i love the most, dreams where i am perhaps doing things i shouldn't be. well, they do say that when you are asleep the parts of your brain that you force to stay asleep most of the day wake up, and run riot.

Here is something I wrote recently. That's me, yes.

Where are you tonight?

I let out a jagged sigh
And do the collapse
I plunge my fists until they mark the sheets
I am surrounded by a screaming need
For the comfort of you, your breath on my neck
For the gentle cover of your darkness.
I fizzle out under pressure,
Any strength I did have disappears.
I long to be refreshed, or reinvented, and
I wish I was waiting for you
To come home.

I’ve started to believe in destiny
More recently than you would think
And even as the sounds of traffic on the street
Die down, I still desire this silence
To be broken by your key, or
To feel the way you might discuss with me
Your day, while I rest in your arms.
I wish I was waiting for you
to come home.

But just before I’m drifting off to sleep
My memory reaches in and slams the door
Reality of course, is very different
I don’t know where you really are tonight.
And someone put the chain on
Before they went to bed.
And praps the way I need you from afar
Is stronger than the way I would up close
Regardless of all that
I can’t resist.
I am waiting here - for you
To come home.

-

I wish you'd hurry up.

I've discovered lately (well in the last 8 months) that I dislike being a manager. In fact, there are several things I dislike. Ooh, here we are again, the blog becomes the dumping ground for the things I don't like about something. Yet more dislikes! Ooh interesting. Perhaps I'll start with dislikes and end up with likes and it won't feel quite so much like a rant.

1. I dislike being a line manager.
2. I really don't like itchy sunburn and knowing i can't scratch it
3. I hate chopping garlic and onions
4. I never did like Oasis in the slightest. Sorry, Oasis.
5. I can't stand when someone is off-key at choir practice and it's all I can hear. I'm intolerant, ok, I admit it.
6. I don't like being let down. Well, nobody does. But I like it less than other people.
7. I can't stand secrets.
8. I hate work politics and I work for a political organisation... work that one out if you dare
9. I don't like being uncomfortable at night
10. I don't enjoy sea-travel. In boats. Ugggh.

More of my little likes...

1. Breathing out into someone's shoulder
2. Clean sheets on the bed
3. 'I know what you're thinking' glances
4. Large black coffees and the sunday times
5. Brilliant brunette hair products
6. saturday mornings between 9.30 and 10.30
7. large unnecessary meals with friends
8. body shop body-butter that's been in the fridge onto red shoulders
9. Urban Outfitters in Covent Garden
10. Cheese and crackers

Oooh i like my likes much more than my I dislike my dislikes. That's good, I suppose.

K