Evening

I'll be speedy because that's the sort of person I am, and I don't have much time currently for anything.
but i have some important things i wanted to 'get out' into the blog tonight. on my way home from choir, where, by the way, we've started christmas :( some thoughts kept occuring to me. thoughts occur to me all the time, every day, but lately they are on a reoccuring theme. one which i'll attempt to spell out below.

when i was about 9 years old i did religious ed. at school. in our first r.e lesson of a new term, the new teacher asked everyone to write 'what they believed in' on a card, and give it back to her. of course, i'd imagine this was meant to strike up a conversation about the different kinds of faith in the world, or something like that, but i wrote 'myself' and gave it back to her. i remember not finding that very strange at all, but i soon discovered that everyone else had written things like 'god' or 'pixies' and i was slightly left out of the 'other worldliness' of my peers. but i thought that was the truest thing i could say.
since then i've always had a pretty strong sense of self. i've always known, really... deep down, what i'm feeling or thinking, on the inside, and waited for my consciousness to catch up. everyone has two sides, if you ask me, one which always knows the truth, and the other that battles with that truth with a blunt sword. now i'm working and i've lost quite a lot of the freedoms i had as a kid or as a student, i find my mind ticks over at a faster speed and attempts to battle much more vigorously with the 'reality' voice in my head. i think it must be that 'you don't have TIME to feel like that' or the 'be sensible now, and concentrate' voice, fighting a war with the 'but it HURRRRTS' voice. i wonder how many people that even makes sense to. probably very few.

still, occasionally my defences are down and there is a breach, i guess, in my head... i can't help myself, i suppose, from showing weakness, love, fear, jealously, or any other emotion you care to mention. i give up. and it's the moments when i give up that i'm at my most vulnerable and uncomfortable. I will look at the floor, the ceiling, or even - so i'm told - out of the window, to avoid confrontation with my actual feelings. maybe it does come down to self-belief, and perhaps the need to recapture the sort of confidence i had as a 9 year old in my abilities, let my heart start ruling my head and stop fighting it. however, the moment you stop fighting it, you're opening a whole other door. you're in a minefield, i suppose, which i think is pretty much where i am now give or take the odd day when i'll take a few steps back into safety. today i plummeted back into that dangerous field again and this time i doubt i'll ever make it out.

the hardest battles i've ever fought have been with myself, and it looks like i'm going to have to fight another one.