To begin, I'm going to quote a poem I happen to love and at the same time struggle to agree with. There aren't many poems I could say i really enjoy yet at the same time don't really connect with, but the below is one of them.
One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
-
The above is a beautifully constructed villanelle, (for those who care), but it's also an insightful social commentary on modern living. These days all we seem to care about are possessions, material or human. Human possessions may be a lot more complicated.
Losing people I care about has never been easy for me. I'm always the last person hanging on trying to find a reason to stay, even if that reason isn't easy to see. If i suspect that I am going to lose someone, i will fight desperately to cling on. There isn't much I wouldn't do to keep people as near as I'd like them. I explained to my friend yesterday that I tend to keep a lot of feelings inside (even away from this blog) because I would lose people if I ever let them out. The fear of loss keeps me pent up more than any other fear. I wonder whether the fear of loss would actually rank pretty highly in a poll of fears. For me, it's above spiders and flying.
So, what would I be willing to lose?
If there's one thing I've always been pretty confident in, and never really fretted too much about, it's my career. Before that, it was my academic career, before that it was school, and so on. I had confidence in my abilities and I just kept pushing until I ticked all the boxes. For myself more than anything, I pushed the envelope.
Now i'm in a situation where I've graduated, found employment, got promoted, and i should be riding high. But the nature of that promotion and that employment gives me a sinking feeling. I'd be willing to lose it tomorrow.
It is, after all, mine, and therefore i see it as something i possess. My job is mine to be lost, or thrown away. I suppose i'm still at the stage where there isn't really anything i 'have' to do. i resist and resist people who refer to things in terms of 'cvs' or 'qualifications'. It makes me want to ask them how well they really know me.
In the past, I've thought that all i really want to do is something i completely believe in. Now, however, I'm faced with the additional clause 'and provided i can get some recognition'. I don't feel any recognition is forth-coming in my current job. At the same time as I want to believe that if i walked out of it tomorrow it would fall completely on its arse, i know in my heart that it will pick itself up. it wouldn't matter if I stayed or went.
In terms of my current job then, loss wouldn't really be that painful. There isn't a great deal to lose, and a hell of a lot to be gained. I can't say the same for the people in my life. Most of the time there is too much to lose, and very little to be gained, by telling the truth.
