What does compromise actually mean? Today I had a conversation with a friend who told me 'relationships are about compromise'. To me, compromise means 'less', or 'accepting less'. So then, was my friend trying to say 'relationships are about accepting less'? I completely disagree that relationships are about compromise. I will explain why below.
Sometimes, the day to day life we experience has to be about compromise. In a sense, I will let my friend 'have' the point about compromising on what film to see at the cinema, or which restaurant to go to that night. but if you begin to compromise on yourself as a person for the sake of someone else, that's not compromising, that's losing.
1 + 1 = 2
1 + 1 is never equal to 1.
When you have two people, you don't have 'two halves making a whole', instead you have 2 people adding to each other's lives. relationships are about appreciating the whole of another person, the good and the bad, and showing them the whole of yourself in return. love isn't all fireworks in the park, it's tears, it's burnt toast, it's embarrassing relations, it's terrible outfits, it's everything.
but the one thing it isn't, is compromise.
Love should be about living your whole life plus one. Not cutting down your life to make way for another person. A person could add a dimension of the unseen to your way of life and suddenly you are able to appreciate things you couldn't see before. when, or maybe if, i ever find that mystery person who will add to my life in the long-term, what i'd expect is more of a 'right, we're in this together now' attitude than 'change for me'. after all, relationships are a team effort. but a team effort where you are your whole self together with another person's whole self. One add one = two every way you look at it.
I can't take the people i love in my life living less than they could. I have a friend, my age, who has been with the same guy for about 6 or 7 years now, and she's one of the most dynamic, daring people i've ever met. yet she is in the most solid, undaring relationship you could imagine. some would argue she needs it to keep her feet on the ground, yet she strays at every turn, she won't discuss her boyfriend unless she's prompted to, she yawns at the thought of seeing him. she lives an entirely seperate life to him in a different city. when she talks about him (prompted) she's a different person. she's cold - it's like she's stepped around the newsdesk and she's giving you a weather report. and it makes my skin go creepy when she does it. i've never lied to her. she knows i think the sooner she ends the relationship the better for everyone long-term. she knows i have nightmares about them both being 40 with little children running around, and her waking up one morning in a cold sweat knowing she has to leave. i have nightmares about her hammering down my door in the rain to tell me she's left her husband. i hope she never gets that far.
but she's compromising for him. and that's where she's losing.
I'll end on a tiny poem - not one of mine - but it illustrates my point:
Relationship - (from the hungarian)
What a silence, when you are here.
What a hellish silence.
You sit and I sit.
You lose and I lose.
Night all.
x
