hello everyone.

i have returned from a cold weekend in germany which was punctuated by feelings of loss, guilt and sadness. i must now sweep myself back up into the long-term timebomb which is my general existence, and keep on ticking for another week.

one of my closest friends lives in hamburg with her boyfriend. she's been there for over a year and i can't remember her ever telling me in that time about how happy she is, or even that things are 'just ok'. i long to hear her talk about being 'alright, i guess', even. she's put herself in a tricky situation where she shifted her entire life for the sake of a long distance relationship, and now she is left fitting into a complete life, whilst giving up her own.

when does compromise simply become sacrifice?

because of the amount of life changes she's faced, and because of living in a forgeign country where nothing seems to make sense (electric-points in the bathroom for plugging in your hairdryer, for example...think of the water + electicity MADNESS)... anyway because of all these changes she magnifies the situations she faces with her relationship to 110%, until things are said which really only meant exactly one thing but are doubled or tripled to mean horrible things which i absolutely hate her having to think about. i stood in the airport as i was leaving with her sobbing on my shoulder feeling myself a bit like a crab which had just had its shell removed. i was in no fit mental state to deal with that this weekend.

i've had my own moments of realisation this weekend too. i would give absolutely everything to each one of my friends and i'm not sure anymore exactly what i would ever receive in return. just like we can't influence another person's feelings, we equally can't influence another person's actions. i spend too much time desperate to be liked that i tend to forget there might not be too many people out there who would always drop everything for me in a crisis. it doesn't matter how far i'm willing to jump, or how high. there i was in germany, having flown hundreds of miles to be with a friend in a crisis, but i was left wondering what would happen to me in a similar situation.

who, if anyone, would i be picking up from arrivals?

x