I have a selection of thoughts this evening to share.
The first is a poem, I've found it in my favourite book of poems. It makes me think of several people I know. Maybe it reminds me of myself too.
Love after Love
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
and peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
My second thought is of a friend who has landed up miles away and who's absence I can actually feel a bit like a disappointing chocolate pudding which you put your spoon in to discover it's just plain sponge, no gooey bits. or, maybe a bit like a sofa which looks so appealing in a shop, you go over to sit on it and it's really not that squishy or comfortable, and so you spring back up again. it's praps a bit like a frosty morning and no hot chocolate when you return from the papershop. which is of course a funny way of saying i miss them, but it's a missing which comes out in other things.
My third thought is of christmas. The family had some painful discussions last night. Every year we have the 'what are we doing for christmas' conversation, and every year the plan changes slightly from what we've 'always' done. for about 16 years of my life we always did the same thing - huge family and friends party on xmas eve night. christmas day just the four of us at home, and then boxing day some sort of event somewhere else, which has become the horse racing at kempton park.
we are facing a difficult christmas with the departure of a figure head of our family, one of the central posts holding the ceiling up, so plans have changed. we are now having a 'quiet' christmas, with just the four of us going to the races on boxing day. we are replacing our huge xmas eve party with a party on the saturday before xmas. suddenly everything has become 'precious'. christmas can't be about the extended hoards this year. people want 'immediate family only' and i can't say that i blame them, but it saddens me.
tomorrow night my choir is doing our big xmas gig actually at my work. slightly terrifying. so my final thought is that i'm nervous of how it's all going to go, and trying to remember i don't have to sing by myself. 50 friends getting together over a glass of wine for a sing a long is all it really is. i hope it feels that way tomorrow evening.
goodnight all
