not a diary

Hello everyone

I've summoned up a few minutes for the blog this evening mainly because I am being contemplative again, and it's the end of the weekend, which is my usual reflection time.

I am so tired of being made in-human by my job. It has lately forced me into a real corner where every day i become less like myself, more like someone completely different. my boss tells me he 'supports me 110%' but he doesn't show it. he walks into my office (normally on a friday at 4pm) to tell me what's happening, what's going to happen, and what part I'm going to play in it. If i try to tell him about a new development or some other long-term thing I'm working on he doesn't really... hear me. the fact he's half-deaf is probably a contributing factor, but he'll never say if he hasn't heard. lately work has tormented me on so many levels. i really need another, more fulfilling job. my parents are trying to convince me 'it's the same everywhere, middle management is always the same'... which is a joyous thought to carry with me into a Monday morning.

This weekend I've spent sometime with my closest female friends. It's very true that nothing can really replace your 'best girl-mates'. I think with us it's almost like a blood-relationship. i tell them a lot more than I'd ever share with my sister, even. i don't see one of them enough. she's moved to Germany which tends to mean we only see each other every 4 or so months these days. it's excrutiating sometimes. i was trying to explain it to them when i was in the pub and i ended up saying -

'i miss you because when i'm with you i'm someone i like'

which made them both cry. and me too.
but it's true.

i mentioned today - 'you can't count your friends by their buttons until you've pushed them a few times'.
and right now i can't think of a more true statement than that when it comes to friendships. all we can do is push their buttons and hope they show us something we can hang onto and trust. when the mud gets thick and slippery, I expect all of my closest mates to dig their feet further in. perhaps i expect too much.

x

Last night I had what can only be described as an 'attack of the jitters', where I believed that almost everything I've said or done since October's promotion has been wrong. Then, mid jitter, I got a very simple 'how are you?' message from a friend I'll be seeing this weekend, and I burst into tears. It was already late and when you end up crying that late at night I know it's more due to tiredness than anything else. But then I thought, best to put something down on paper and then close the book. Seems it always helps when I feel less than good to put it down on paper, shut the book, and switch the light off. The result was a vaguely stream of consciousness monologue, and re-reading it now I feel compelled to share.

So, here it is. On paper. Opened again.

Transparency

I look around me now
and wish that almost everything was
different.

But how can I control it?
It's obvious I'm lost in it.
Now pain sits softly
on my outside
it's almost there
it won't be long before
you'll see it when you meet my eyes.

It's visible on frosty mornings
in the car
and also if you strain your eyes
you see it hovering outside
the mouths of people walking
in the street.

It could be something that they're
breathing out
or that they've said into the phone.
'I don't think i'll be home til late tonight.
don't wait for me.'
How much can be imagined?
What is known?

I am holding this weakness
as I walk to the office
I can feel myself
becoming more and more transparent
no longer solid.
And when they pump that dye into my veins
could be the only time
i'm ever whole again.

Every day the shadow of my former self
takes one step closer
to letting you down - utterly
until it seems with every passing second
i can nearly hear you say
'i do not want to see you anymore'.

the 'exit' signs flash out to me on walls
brighter and more true than ever before.
they turned me crystal clear
then asked for more.

x

Hello everyone from freezing cold Montreal. Thought I'd send a postcard to my blog seeing as I've had absolutely no time to send a postcard to anyone else so far.

The holiday began when I landed in JFK on Thursday. It's actually a pretty daunting place if you've never been to NYC before. Driving through the city to my hotel in my first ever yellow cab, we had to cross the hudson over the george washington bridge. the sun was just going down over manhattan and it was like a scene from the movies. It suddenly hit me. I was in New York, which is somewhere I've wanted to go since I was a kid. It lived right up to my expectations the next day when I met up with a friend and we explored the entire city. Everytime we reached a famous landmark - central park, 5th avenue, times square, rockafella centre, madison square gardens, wall street, the statue of liberty... i was starting to feel quite bogg-eyed with it all when i reached the hostel i'd be staying in for the friday night. i met my tour group who are a good bunch of people, mainly australian and new zealanders, and we all headed out to the empire state building that night. the views were stunning. i think we were all thinking about the world trade centre a bit too, although i never made it to ground zero.

The next day we headed to Ithaca (as a half way house between the us and canada) and we grabbed some lunch and headed out that night to an ice hockey match between cornell uni and niagra. the college matches are well known for having a good atmosphere, and it was so fast paced too. the best part of it was the chanting from the crowd. everytime the announcer told them how many minutes there were to go, they all yelled 'thank you!!!' and i joined in with quite a bizarre chant where someone yelled 'i talked to your mum, she said...' and everyone had to shout 'you suck!' until the end when you had to shout 'you just suck!!'. that night at dinner we were all doing hockey chants which was a good group bonding experience.

The next day we headed to the niagra falls to cross the border into canada. The canadian side of the falls is very weird because it's like a mini-vegas, casinos and bars everywhere. The american side is a national park, so if you go to the canadian side to take your photos it makes more sense. The falls were pretty impressive although i wasn't that overwhelmed because the mist was taking over a bit and we were all freezing half to death. after that we headed on to toronto where we found our hostel. the hostel in toronto was really really lovely and a bit like you were staying in someone's house. the people in canada are really friendly and we all just collapsed in the living room before heading out with them on a pub crawl.

The following day we explored toronto all day. I went up the CN tower and stood on the glass floor for a few seconds, which was more brave than anyone else, who just stood around the edge. the rest of toronto was pretty much as i expected, and now that i'm in montreal there isn't much comparison. toronto is more of a purpose-built city, whereas montreal is really fascinating, and french too, which makes for some interesting moments! The drive between the two cities was quite long but I'm getting used to just plugging my headphones in and falling asleep. a friend recorded some comedy for me and so i end up giggling away to myself and watching the snow go past.

Tomorrow we're back to the US and stowe, vermont. we're going to try snow-shoeing and then we're staying in a log cabin in the woods. I'm hoping it won't be too spooky!
Being in a totally different environment is exactly what i needed to put a couple of things into perspective. In the future i want to make a few more reckless decisions, act on instinct a lot more and just do a few of the things i won't allow myself to do at the moment. i'd like to become one of those people who just says 'ok, so let's just go for it' instead of hanging back onto 'what if'. I've also realised that some of the problems i'm going to face when i return to the uk aren't really that huge in the grand scheme of things. really i can do whatever i want to and to hell with the consequences.

So, it's bye for now, and I'll probably be back on the blog when I return.

K