Hello everyone
It's been a while since I've been able to blog properly. Writing this doesn't mean I actually CAN, I think it just means that my thoughts have sort of 'ordered' themselves a bit. Although it's never been within my mind-set to admit a real weakness, I did so lately and went to the counselling unit at my work. it was a bizarre experience, and one that's on-going. the first week I suppose I just ranted about how excrutiating my job has become. the counsellor asked me to think about whether my work is the only place i've ever really had control over situations, and now that the control has gone, i don't feel in control of anything (particularly how i feel).
So, in the second session - and in between i'd been to america so i had some time to rationalise things a bit - for some reason i started telling her about what i was like as a kid and it turns out, although i've not really been aware of it til now, that i compartmentalise almost everything in my life so that it sits in boxes. so, when these boxes begin to leak i end up a complete nervous wreck. a surprise party, for example, where a friend had taken the control away from me and organised a 'do' on my behalf would be my worst nightmare, because with all my different groups of mates in the same room i'd fear being exposed as a fraud.
this doesn't mean i lie to anyone. it just means i'm a different sort of me with everyone i know. put them all together and i just wouldn't know which me to be.
turns out my boxes have been leaking fairly often lately, because feelings i associate with my friends have been leaking into feelings i associate with my job. if someone said to you - 'ok, you've got a choice here. you either risk your career, or you risk a friendship.' - well, what the hell would YOU do? maybe you'd do exactly what i've done. sit down in the middle of the two and cross your fingers.
last night i jotted down my favourite ever words from my favourite ever songs. one of the main things i love about music is the words that go with it. in all my favourite songs, the tune is probably perfectly acceptable, but the words reach out and grab me. i won't say where they are from, they are just... words.
---
there is a town in north ontario
where stream comfort, memory despair
and in my mind i still need a place to go
all my changes were there
blue blue windows behind the stars
the yellow moon on the rise
and big birds flying across the sky
throwing shadows on our eyes
-
this is our last embrace
must i dream and always see your face?
why can't we overcome this wall,
maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all.
--
She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
"I thought you'd never say hello," she said
"You look like the silent type."
Then she opened up a book of poems
And handed it to me
Written by an Italian poet
From the thirteenth century.
And every one of them words rang true
And glowed like burnin' coal
Pourin' off of every page
Like it was written in my soul from me to you,
Tangled up in blue.
--
and she said
'losing love is like a window in your heart
everybody sees you're blown apart.'
--
we couldn't all be cowboys
some of us are clowns
and some of us are dancers on the midway
we roam from town to town
i hope that everybody can find a little flame
me, i say my prayers
then i just light myself on fire
and i walk out on the wire once again
--
now that you've made yourself
love me
do you think i can change it
in a day
how can i place you above me
am i lying to you when i say
that i believe in you?
--
wednesday morning at 5am as the day begins
silently closing the bedroom door
leaving a note which she hoped would say more...
