I was bemused this morning when I woke up to snow. It's March, so i guess by now it's meant to be spring. In fact, it's nearly april and my mind is drawn to my favourite poem - 'the waste land' by ts eliot. the first few lines are about how winter (and snow) is a protection from spring because when we get to spring all these unwanted feelings creep up on us. 'winter kept us warm, covering earth in forgetful snow' he says (or something like that). so, now that we're in spring, and it's snowing, maybe some of those feelings we'd all rather not have are being covered up? or at least, dulled down a bit?

that's not exactly the case for me, and i don't suppose it's true of other people. but, it's a good image (and one of the most famous in modern poetry), and one that i've written essays about. i'm teaching gcse english at the moment to a 16 year old bloke who would rather be somewhere else. every week we always seem to drift back to the same subject 'how to construct an argument' and i do my best to ration it out for him on paper. introduction, reasoning, linking sentence. paragraph 1, focus on language... and after a while it all feels a bit futile. your ability to construct a half decent argument surely comes from whether or not you understand what you're writing about. if the content is right, the structure tends to be, i guess. and that's something which i'm discovering not just through torturous anthologies of ted hughes, but through everything else.

things tend to go awry when the content isn't right. or when your energy gets focussed onto the wrong thing. and when you thought the content was right and it turns around and bites you on the arse, things get even more messy than they were before. i've experienced that too many times. it seems more often than not i plough my energy into things or people who were never destined to give me the same levels in return. either it's the wrong time in their lives, there just isn't a space for me, or they simply aren't on the same page. for the few that do give me the same things back, the limits are clear. i am not immune to slicing people away from me. and it's usually in self-defence and self-preservation.

the circuit is usually pretty clear. if a person lets me down, i forgive them. if they do it again, i forgive them again. the third time, i press the 'delete' button. and that really is 'it'. the only time it's not as 'cut and dry' as that is when i love the other person. that's when content mis matches structure and everything might as well be in pieces on the floor. for me, love is the only thing that leaves me with a flatpack wardrobe and no instructions. where love is involved i don't even have the tools for the trade. i can't press delete. and so the pain continues.

this exact situation happened to me a couple of years ago. the person i loved to the moon and back let me down so much, far beyond my usual thresholds, and i couldn't press delete. believe me, i tried. i couldn't preserve myself, i guess i was utterly exposed to it. i remember the moment when i figured out i'd been betrayed like it was yesterday. i can even recall the smell in the room, the sunlight on the coffee table, the hot cup of tea in my hand. my chance to press delete and walk away was there, and i couldn't take it.

over the course of time, wounds healed dramatically and i was able to have whole weeks without thinking about this person. this extended itself to months until i felt able to spend time with them again and not feel the pinch of the past on the back of my neck. and so i did. and the result? now i am in the opposite situation. the shoe, if you like, is well and truely on the other foot. two years after the flat pack wardrobe lost its instruction set, and they are standing right in front of me saying 'i get it now, i know! i'm here!!!' and you know what? it just isn't working. they can stamp their feet all they want but i just can't bring myself to join them. for once, my heart and my head are united. clearly it's a 'no'.

that moment when i could have walked away, pressed delete, still plays on me. i think i can conclude from it that we never really forgive people who are fully aware of their power over us, but hurt us anyway. as soon as we are able to put things into perspective, line the content and the structure back up, the anger sweeps in. and i have stayed angry, underneath my ability to see them and everything to be 'fine'. underneath that facade i'm angry that i was made to feel so worthless. last night i told this person 'it's a no'. and when they asked why, i said 'because i don't forgive you.'

and i think that's fair enough.