not a diary

I thought I'd vent some dislikes today, seeing as I vented some likes the other day. So, in no particular order, my current biggest dislikes...

1. chocolate with fruit inside. for example, fruit and nut bars. chocolate brownies with raisins in. just disappointing.

2. people who talk down to me. i believe you should always talk 'up' to almost everyone you know. i recently suffered the presence of someone in my life who talked down to me at every opportunity they got. and i discovered, in a training course with work, that if you 'give someone parent, they respond with child'. which is exactly what happened. so, i dislike being given 'parent'.

3. deceit. this, i think, is different from dishonesty. if someone lies to me so that i don't get hurt i can put it down to 'good intentions gone wrong'. but if someone goes out of their way to deceive me and consequently lets me down beyond all proportions, then... well, that's a huge dislike of mine. and if i ever deceive, it buggers my brain.

4. sweetcorn. even off the cob, it just feels empty and pointless.

5. flying insects. mainly because i can't stand hearing buzzing and not knowing where it comes from.

6. jealousy. in myself and in others. it's just nasty and means distrust. if i feel jealous i ask myself 'don't you trust that person' and i realise, 'probably not, no'. the green eyed monster is just not attractive.

7. people deciding what's best for me. can't stand that. i'll decide, thanks.

8. thunder and lightning. i don't know the technical term for a storm phobia, but i've got one. it terrifies me but i never show it.

9. being let down. i can't stand believing in someone and being proved wrong.

10. lateness. it doesn't really take much to be on time.

11. cold custard. unless it's in a tart. (the pastry kind).

12. lynx on a guy. don't. bother. there isn't a lynx affect. beyond running away, that is.

13. peanut butter. sorry, but it just doesn't sit well with me.

14. king lear. i love shakespare but i hate king lear. which is probably a contradiction in terms. but there isn't anything more drawn out and dull if you watch it live on stage. which i've done too many times.

15. thongs. i just hate hate hate thongs. i can't understand the point of them when proper pants look so much nicer and are available in much better styles.

16. people who let their children sit in the main trolley part of the trolley at tescos. not the seat part. it's normally because they are way to big for the seat part anyway and should be walking. i don't understand why parents think that tescos makes their child instantly unable to walk properly, so they push them around like their a baby cow or something. it's embarrassing. it makes me sigh.

17. i dislike clinton cards. the lighting makes me want to throw up. it's like the back of your eyes are being scanned with a machine. ewww.

18. dry skin. i get it on my elbows recently.

19. wanting what i can't have. i dislike that. and i do it a lot.

20. messy people. i don't like it when people have mess they could easily take a few minutes to chuck away. and having said that, i'm gonna make some order out of the chaos in my room.

x

So, I was thinking today about the ways we react to things. At the moment, my family is facing a tough time ahead and even though I probably don't know I'm doing it, I am reacting 'over the top' to other obscure events or thoughts, or telling myself there is something 'else' unknown that is bothering me, when underneath it all there is that nagging feeling of 'oh... right... i remember what the problem actually is'.

my friend has had her eyes lasered in some freaky moment of brain-freeze where she thought it would be a good idea to have the top of her eye sliced off (yes, they slice it off, so it flaps open) and then have a laser correct the side of her lense in the back of her eye, and then to have the flap put back over the top. today her vision was not exactly amazing, but she hopes that the blur will go in a few days time. i'm not convinced by the worth of the whole torturous experience and certainly wouldn't do it myself. but it made me think, over lunch with her today, about things falling in and out of focus.

i decided not to go to counselling anymore the other day. they were really good about it in the end, but i think i just felt uncomfortable with someone putting me under a microscope and examining all the little thoughts in my brain to the extent of a counsellor. i think for a while i'd like to put my own feelings out of focus, just for a while, until they fall back into focus again. because i'm starting to put focus on things i shouldn't, people or situations that i shouldn't care about, and others are losing out as a result.

it might be quite good to wander around in a blur for a bit and stop wondering what certain feelings mean. just feel them, and let it go.

Hi everyone.

I thought I'd maybe blog about things I like. A while ago I made a list of things I like and it just sort of made me feel... better somehow. So, here is a list (for whoever cares or could be amused) of things i like doing, things i like about myself, things i like about my friends, just generally... what i like.

in no particular order then:

1. I like my duvet cover. It's made of fleece material and it seems to wrap itself entirely around me and never let me get cold. if i stay anywhere else, i freeze.

2. i like laughing. at things, people, events, silly objects, obscure happenings. i like laughing just because someone else is laughing. maybe laughing at another person laughing is actually the best kind of laughter?

3. i like my tummy. a friend of mine recently said there was 'absolutely nothing wrong with it' it's the perfect tummy then. well hurrah for liking a body part and not being afraid to say it. at least to the blog.

4. i like smiling into other people's eyes. especially when they smile back.

5. i like the way my friend adam says stupid stuff to me like 'it's all on papa tokes tonight girls' at last night's pizza-date, and i like the way he just makes decisions spontaneously, and the way that he says something and actually, really means it.

6. i like the way my friend kate doesn't know how beautiful she is. and the way she finishes salads when nobody else will. and the way she calls me 'long legs' and complains about her boss because she's a 'crazy person'.

7. i like finding money in my jeans

8. i like the way the bloke who works in the coffee shop i go to at work never bothers to ask me what i want and has it ready as soon as he spots me coming through the doors. that's proper service.

9. i like it when people text me just to say they thought of me. that probably explains why i do it. all the time.

10. i like fish finger sandwiches, and walking in the sunshine without a coat.
the two aren't really connected.

11. i like the basics of my dad's music collection. i like all of his greatest-hits albums. neil young, bob dylan, the eagles, paul simon, joni mitchell, james taylor, elton john and all his motown.

12. i like watching love actually in bed with a glass of milk. i always cry during the airport scene at the beginning. and at the end.

13. i like it when you go to the cinema and everyone claps at the end of the film. i've only experienced it once, but i liked it. ('there will be blood' amazing film, everyone should see it)

14. i like driving my car in no traffic listening to cds that friends have made for me.

15. i like walking around my office in jeans and socks, and i like locking the door at 5pm.

16. i like singing in the choir and giggling and being the one at the back who forgets the words.

17. i like it when my friend andy cooks me dinner and his cat leaps on me, and he talks to his cat in a totally different voice to his normal voice. and i like how he has a special board for his mac-book while it rests on his knee.

18. i like it when the phone rings and it says 'out of area' on the screen, because i know it's either my sister or my friend lucy, and i know i'd like to talk to them both.

19. i like buying hot sausage rolls from waterloo station when i've been out in london to eat on the train home.

20. i like the sound of rain on windows at night.