not a diary

I've had a weekend around some of my closest friends. It was spent drinking coffee, plenty of wine, eating loads of food, being surprised (i love surprises) and generally it was a 'feel good' 24 hours which I needed. Sometimes i'm guilty of escapism too often, but I figured escaping with the people I feel know me best is a good sort of escape.

and talking to them this weekend it made me think of all the little things they each do which make them different. it was a weekend for seeing people in stages. there were times when we were all together but also a lot of time driving to and from airports, train stations... when you could get people alone and hear what everyone has to say about everyone else. phrases like 'well, that's just her/him and it's weird... but we love her/him so we deal with it' came up a fair amount. as did 'i worry about her/him, are they sure they're making the right choice?' i made me smile... i suppose i was hearing it all for the first time in a while. i think the amount we clearly all care about each other is pretty heart-warming in this day and age. there are several things that friends, and only friends, can cope with about each other that are clearly just annoying but part of that person and without them you'd wonder if that person was alright.

and i like that about my friends.
but i do sometimes wonder how they deal with me.

It's amazing how when 'life is just happening', it's so easy for me to forget the bigger issues going on. i suppose things stay 'under the surface' and bubble up. when i become conscious that i've let something slip my mind it comes back with double the force. when i get myself involved in my job it becomes difficult for me to ask the bigger questions. while i'm preparing for whatever tomorrow holds in store, i'm not asking myself these questions enough. it's been a long time since i sat down and thought 'is this really what i want?'

I had a difficult discussion with a friend on the phone yesterday which set me thinking even more than usual, which is quite a feat. she said to me 'this isn't what i imagined for you' and 'you're supposed to be...' and she described a life i suppose i'd dreamed about with her when i was at university. maybe she's right - maybe i am walking down a road i shouldn't be, maybe i've taken an exit from the life-road we'd set ourselves on two years ago? she is of course, right. however much i wanted to say to her 'but what if this is what i want now, instead?' i knew that the things she was describing were right.

i've let myself go down the wrong route when it comes to relationships, work, where i live, who i have in my life. that's the reason i'm so 'heart vs head' all the time, always 'at war' with myself. heart wants one thing, head thinks the opposite. maybe i should work myself into a situation where they will both agree and i'll stop making the wrong decisions because i can't see the wood for the trees. i think for a while i was afraid of something i've been feeling. 'heart' has been yelling the same thing at 'head' over and over again for about 6 months. but i haven't really been listening. talking to my friend, i have managed to conclude that i have two options, now that i can hear what all the yelling has been about.

confront, or delete.

so, now all i have to do is decide which of the above will be best. confront doesn't always equal solve, but then neither does delete. in fact, neither of the above options guarantee me a way out of the situation, but by sitting in the middle of the two i'm getting nowhere either. confront could possibly lead to delete, and vica versa.

i've just got to decide which.