I'm worried about a friend this evening and however hard I try to convince myself to stop worrying, it seems I can't. I suppose normally when I'm worried about something i'll just wade in and 'sort it out', and with this, I can't. so it just builds up.

When I was studying, if I ever got myself into a situation where I was lying in bed thinking 'oh shit i haven't read that article' i would just switch on the light and read the sodding article and then I'd sleep, wake up the next day and contribute in the seminar. i much prefer worries that are confrontable, that have an aspect of 'well, ok, we'll sort it'. i think i even prefer worrying about my job or my money situation to worrying about those i care about. and the reason why? because i have many more powers to fix my credit rating than i do to fix situations which are happening far away from me, over my head.

people always say to me 'don't worry about things you can't control, worry about the things you can' and in a sense they are right, it's pretty much futile to be in the situation i'm in at the moment as i don't hold any of the strings, but it doesn't mean i can stop wishing i did. what i'd actually do if i did hold a string is anyone's guess. probably give it a huge tug. it's funny, actually. if i did have any control over the situation i'd probably do even less good at making it better.

i feel a little bit locked up in the way that i feel and unable to blurt it out - because when people have their 'own shit to deal with' adding a bit of my own luggage into the mix will only drive them yet further away. i imagine people telling me the contents of their head and then me saying 'ok, cool, i've got that. now... here's something for you' and them saying 'what, more? are you actually serious??'
therefore, i tell myself to give the people that i love some space, but every time i back away it's almost like i've failed, failed to help. or maybe, if you looked at it objectively, i want people to turn to me when they're caught up in situations. maybe i'm just desperate to be of use to someone. it's funny to 'need to be needed' but also quite disturbing.

i think the situation i face at home right now makes it worse for me. i really need my friends at the moment. i wish i could be honest about that.

i've found a poem which someone (not me) wrote that stirs me up on this subject, and makes me think.

Many who say friend,
friend, clutch their balls like prayers
for fear something of themselves
may break loose and get away

many who mumble love,
love, keep an eye fixed for the fire
ladder, the exit hatch and at the first
sign of trouble do not hang around to chat.

many who talk of community
called the real estate agent last night
and the papers are drawn up to sell their land
to a nuclear power plant that shows dirty movies.

Don't count your friends by their buttons
until you have pushed them a few times.

-x-