I'm looking for the escape hatch at the moment. does anyone know of an escape hatch? quite a strange thought, actually. i'd quite like an escape hatch to exist. there are only very few times lately when i'm able to completely remove myself from whatever issues are running around in my head. it would be quite nice just to sit somewhere where nobody would know where i was and nobody would wonder what i was thinking.

this week has been quite momentous. i've decided to move into my own place. i think that having my own four walls will provide me with some much needed time to focus on something else for a change, to take some of the power back over what i do on a daily basis. i suppose being at home with the folks i get too many opportunities just to sit alone and think. and think. and think some more about people. people, people, people. other people dominate my brain at the moment. lately i haven't even been able to eat properly because of fears for other people. it's becoming quite ridiculous.

i even have terrifying dreams where i wake up and i think 'holy crap, is THAT what i really feel?' dreams where i yell at the people i love the most, dreams where i am perhaps doing things i shouldn't be. well, they do say that when you are asleep the parts of your brain that you force to stay asleep most of the day wake up, and run riot.

Here is something I wrote recently. That's me, yes.

Where are you tonight?

I let out a jagged sigh
And do the collapse
I plunge my fists until they mark the sheets
I am surrounded by a screaming need
For the comfort of you, your breath on my neck
For the gentle cover of your darkness.
I fizzle out under pressure,
Any strength I did have disappears.
I long to be refreshed, or reinvented, and
I wish I was waiting for you
To come home.

I’ve started to believe in destiny
More recently than you would think
And even as the sounds of traffic on the street
Die down, I still desire this silence
To be broken by your key, or
To feel the way you might discuss with me
Your day, while I rest in your arms.
I wish I was waiting for you
to come home.

But just before I’m drifting off to sleep
My memory reaches in and slams the door
Reality of course, is very different
I don’t know where you really are tonight.
And someone put the chain on
Before they went to bed.
And praps the way I need you from afar
Is stronger than the way I would up close
Regardless of all that
I can’t resist.
I am waiting here - for you
To come home.

-

I wish you'd hurry up.