the song 'best of you' by the foo fighters has never been one of my favourite songs. but i heard it on the radio today on the way back from a friend's house and i suppose the way it starts, with the line 'i've got another confession to make' sort of 'got' me and i found myself singing it as i crawled to the right junction on the m25 and ended up at home.

so, my friend and i didn't get that flat. instead, we were gazumped. more so than anything, i wish that 'gazumped' was actually some sort of code word for 'cuddled'. nope, some people decided it was worth more to them a month. on reflection, i'm ok about it. i know there are more places out there and possibly there are more flats with a better character than that one. when we find what we're looking for, my friend said, we'll just know it.

people say that 'you'll just know it' about a lot of things, don't they. houses, jobs, relationships... 'you'll just know'. well maybe i've got news for all those people. you don't just know. i'm pretty certain, more certain than i've ever been, actually, that instead of the right 'thing' coming along and hitting you in the face (however much you wish it would) you actually have to start from somewhere and end up somewhere else. you don't just land in the middle and let out a sigh of relief.

i let my brain sort of get carried away with the idea that you just 'know' for a while. but i think that about a year ago i started to think, particularly about relationships, in a different way. i'd just about got over what i saw as my most 'powerful' partnership with another person, and it allowed me to reflect. nope, you don't just know. nobody does, actually. in fact, loving someone else made me feel utterly adrift, a bit sea sick i suppose - and probably my most lonely. whenever it happens, i lose complete track of myself in everything. my chances of 'just knowing' and managing to connect with whatever sense of human instinct i had left, were nullified. i guess i was swamped by the other person, the intensity of it all.

so, what happens, then... when i'm driving slowly around the m25 singing 'best of you' and thinking 'bloody hell these words really do mean something to me at the moment and i've heard them so many times'...? what happens is, i am more and more drawn into a sense of panic that i'm going backwards. and it's funny saying that when we all know the m25 is a huge circle. everything connects. if you carry on driving you'd end up where you'd started. if you start driving the wrong way you can be screwed up for hours. the m25 plus 'best of you' really isn't that much of a good combination.

the song says
'i'm no fool
i'm getting tired of starting again
somewhere new'

but does anyone ever really end up somewhere new when they start again?
i don't think i have.

x