So, I wrote something last night when I couldn't sleep. Here it is, blogged. I think it's one of my better efforts. Not best, but better.

At The Core

Even in the blackest moment
in the darkness, by myself
the part of me that loves you very much
remains. and all alone
it's resting in the core.

You know something? You'll never catch it out
You'll never touch the door
to no reply
it's almost like a tv screen
on standby
it hums away its solitary song.

And no, it can't hear reason, sight or sense
it's way beyond ideas of right and wrong
it just exists. and all external things
can't even touch it gently
and here it is
immune
even to the air.

So, exactly how, you ask
can it be killed, if nothing touches it?
the answer is a gradual progression
a slow breakdown
- making an effort
quietly, to hold it off
strategically, and almost gently.

you see? you can remove the outside
piece by piece until you've got
the core exposed.
And then? Well, then
you can destroy this loving piece
with just one fist.

-x-

So, tonight I am thinking about all the various people in my life, all their little hang ups and the things about themselves they'd maybe like to change, and all the things that make them them.

and i found this quotation/poem thing, which i really like, which maybe illustrates something i'd like to say but can't find suitable words of my own (as per usual)

Conch

In front of the mirror in my parents' bedroom lay a pink conch. I used to approach it on tiptoes,and with a sudden movement put it against my ear. I wanted to surprise it one day when it wasn't longing with a momentonous hum for the sea. Although I was small I knew that even if we love someone very much, at times it happens that we forget about it.

---

-x-

Hello

The subject of this blog is the name of the song that I used to refer to as 'our song' in relation to a couple i used to be in. this weekend i suppose i made the mistake of returning into that past relationship with pretty negative results, but at least it goes to prove it's over. i find it impossible now to go back to the person i was when i was in that really destructive relationship where literally nothing made sense. all thathappens now is that i am able to look back on it and think to myself 'that really wasn't you'. which i know is a good thing because i fell out big time with that version of myself.

so i guess i proved a point, somewhere along the line, that it's probably the right time to stop re-visiting the past and pay the future some attention. it's time to be a little bit more honest, more free, less worried all the time.

i've been writing more and more lately, time to share, maybe...

hmm.
and maybe not.

As I'm writing this, there is no relief that it's the weekend - I'm working again tomorrow. still, i'll remain hopeful that sunday will be relaxing and a chance to catch up with a friend who promises me some gossip.

what's the gossip with me? well...

i suppose it fits under several categories.

starting with work:
my appraisal with the boss was this week which (or so I'm told) is meant to be the time when YOU do 75% of the talking and the boss listens. well, no such luck. never mind though. after what was nearly an hour's rant about a member of my staff, we finished with a quick ten minute 'yes, but ur really very good' chat which i suppose is better than nothing. i'm always caught in two minds about my job, because it grants me a lot of freedom to decide what's important and do it on the one hand, and on the other it sometimes zaps all my energy because i spend my whole time trying to be a good manager.

6 months ago now i went through an exhausting experience at work where my 'rise above it' skills were tested to the maximum and found wanting. although every bad experience is a learning experience, it irks me once i get into a position where i 'would have reacted differently'. the benefit of hindsight is a bit of a bugger because it leaves me very frustrated. i should have done better at the time.

outside of work:
i'm still living in the shipwreck that is my family. and my house is a ticking time bomb. i've got to get out of it.

friends:
i sometimes have the strength and the ability to be a decent friend, and sometimes i don't. at the moment, i don't. i described earlier how i can 'bleat' a lot when things aren't going my way and i can't tell the truth of how i really feel, so i replace it with 'bleats' and apologies.

i've always been told i expect too much of my friends. i was once let down and decieved by a friend at university and when i was angry and ranting a close mate told me 'what you have to understand is that nobody else is on your level.' and that comment has always stuck with me. but when ur curled up in bed thinking about how rubbish and unjust things can be sometimes, all of that 'perspective' stuff disappears out of your head, and you just need the basic human stuff that everybody i suppose takes for granted.

i don't usually 'do' selfish. it makes me feel all sick and guilty. but i've had 24 years of being the opposite. so, sick and guilty will probably stick with me for a while.

-x-

Someone wants me to blog my 'to do' list, which isn't too hard as it exists in 'hard copy' in my journal. So here it is... en blog. i don't know why there are 21 things.

1. get married and honeymoon over the west coast of america (route 66)
2. learn to play guitar
3. slow dance in a clearing in a wood with someone, without music
4. get my phd and become, eventually, a professor
5. publish a book of my poems
6. see a moose in the wild
7. have 2 children
8. raise an orphan lamb/calf
9. keep warm with someone i love on a balcony watching some city lights, maybe paris
10. have a passionate kiss on the steps of the sacre cour
11. give a lecture on macbeth to a room full of first year english students
12. live for a while in bath, where i can see the abbey
13. be proposed to
14. wear a stella mccartney dress
15. take all my best girl mates for a week away in the sun
16. have a reading/watching room of floor to ceiling books and films
17. have sex on a plane
18. walk down a catwalk
19. ice skate without being terrified
20. submit completely to another person
21. sing live in a pub by myself