I think the above is a question I've been asking myself for about 6 months. But supposing the answer is... nothing, it looks like 'fate' has shoved a lot of bad news into my life at one time. obviously that's all made worse by me becoming the subject of a spot of good old work place harrassment.

I had a good talk with someone today which pointed me in the right direction in terms of sorting the work situation out. which might at least make my 9-5 more bearable even if I can't fix the rest of this 'life stuff'. sometimes things just aren't fixable and you really do need someone who cares about you to sit you down and say 'right. here's what you have to do next'. i'm still job hunting tho.

I spend a lot of time these days wishing things would be different. so maybe i should divide myself up into two sections. things i can change could fit under 'professional' and things i can't change could fit under 'personal'. because i can't change certain things which are happening in my life, although some people could argue i should change the way i'm reacting to them.

I told someone last night that I was feeling low. And they did ask me to explain it more. But in general I think I'm just starting to be able to imagine either that person's world, or the world of other people i know and that know me, or even the world of my family, as a much sunnier world without me in it.

Sometimes the things around me seem to be simply 'happening' and there's nothing i can do to stop them spinning. so i think, well... what would things be like if there was nothing for them to spin around?

-x-