I always said when I started this blog that I would never use it for my place to 'have a go' at the world. I just think it's really boring to read about other people's moans and problems. I have several 'gripes' at the planet at the moment tho. It wasn't too long ago that I lost someone I cared about very much. The job continues to put me through absolute madness, day in day out... it's like doing 12 rounds with mike tyson just going to work at the moment. I was in a work meeting today where someone said 'so, what have you been doing to solve the situation' and i could only say 'i'm just exhausted, i've just had enough.' If i didn't have a problem with being wreckless or money to think about, I would hand my notice in and get the hell out of the place. I only wish I could.
Lately I have had to raise my eyebrows quite a bit at the behaviour of my friends. I love them all to pieces and I would absolutely never let them down in a million years. If they needed me to cancel my plans, literally drop everything to scrape them off the floor, i would. and I'm starting to think i would offer them too much, and end up in minus-credits myself. but, i keep getting stuck on the point that i would never disappoint them or let them down. ever. even if i believed they were wrong, even if i wanted to shake them. i'd shake them first, hug them later.
all things considered then, it's been a rough few months. i hope it's coming to a close at the moment but it's dregged up a lot of feelings for me and i've been writing quite a bit in the notebook i keep on me all the time. Here are a few of the words i've come up with:
Uneven Equation
Reeling, and aware of it,
I wonder what I'd do if I found you
also shakey, also so wide-eyed
so vague and yet so definate?
and what exactly would I do
if you came to me in tears
arms slumped across the steering wheel
whispering 'i need you' in a whirl.
I think it would be natural to me
to say 'i'm there'
i'd draw on my reserves and be alert
in case you let the darkness in
and i'd allow it (as I always have)
each soft expression, passing whim
I'd try to make a nightlight out of it,
present you with a little shard of hope
I would become a rock, a pebble, or a stone.
Now tell me how it's possible
for me to feel alone when you are near?
Now tell me why I have to come to terms
with this dark moment, by myself?
I almost cried last night, but then I felt
your absense filling me where other
energy has been.
and I can't cry,
I can't do anything.
---
Faith
I can't believe we've said goodbye to you
the cornerstone has been removed
we're running round in circles in the dark
you were good head to foot
and truthful from the inside out
and not outshined by anyone i know
and i despise the people in the churches
i hate the optimism, see the cracks
this is a pain my heart can't take
i'm sorry if i let you down or hurt you
or said i wanted it to all be over
i only want you back.
xxx
