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Posts archive for: February, 2009
  • that's enough love for one day...

    Hello all.

    Gosh, I'm tired. It's been one of those weekends and I have the feeling it's been the same for others I care about.

    I moved out a while ago into a houseshare with 3 others who I didn't know. At first I thought I'd 'got lucky' in the sense that although we are all very different, we seemed to manage to live together pretty easily. problems, however, do emerge over time when you're sharing communal space with people. One of my housemates recently moved his girlfriend in (with our permission). I didn't mind the suggestion at all, she is very quiet and tidy, so i actually figured that (seeing as he is probably the messiest man alive) she might actually help the situation. Anyway, in the run up to 'sadistic love day', he was hinting to me, asking me whether I was going to be home... and I told him I would be. the tension has been building between him and I for a while. He owes me quite a lot of money for communal bills and that's frustrating in itself. Then... saturday morning dawned.

    I went downstairs where the following conversation began.
    him - 'morning'
    me - 'morning'
    him - 'what are you doing tonight?'
    me - 'boyf is coming over. why?'
    him - 'well i want to do something special for my girlfriend'
    me - 'right...'

    it went on like this. he repeated and repeated that he wanted to 'do something special' and i repeated that i was going to be home. to try to get him to make his point, i said: 'what do you actually want? do you want me to get out of my house?' and that was when he exploded. his reply 'are you really that f*cking stupid??' which was nice. especially seeing as he's huge and ginger and at the time was slicing bread with a sharp knife.

    anyway, the result of this argument was me telling him that i won't be spoken to like that in my own home, and him screaming and storming off. he's 28 years old and i genuinely think he must have ALWAYS got his own way.

    house-shares are very strange things. but one of the main rules of house sharing is just that... you share. and so, you can't expect your housemates to get out of the house just because you want to do something special for your girlfriend who you live with, depriving your housemate of her (might i add) first EVER valentines evening with a man. in my eyes, even saying 'would you mind giving up the lounge for tonight' is a redundant statement when you live in a househare, and if you want to do something special for someone you're going out with, you should probably book a table in a restaurant.

    anyway. the sum total of all of that, was (as you can tell) me getting very worked up, ringing the boyf and him fixing the entire night so that we went for dinner at his place with his housemates. was all very civilised actually. and i did really enjoy it. and receive my first ever genuinely proper valentines card. and my first ever genuinely proper valentines gift.

    i conclude, however... that valentines day is for idiots.

    xxx

  • balancing expectations

    I feel sad this evening. Obviously on the one hand, I'm really happy to have met someone I really like (and who likes me, hurrah) but the reaction of the people I really love has been disappointing. One, inparticular, rang me yesterday to say she's worried she will 'never get to see me on a saturday night again' and that made me really, really angry, and then really sad. of course she will see me on a saturday night again. but, when you don't meet someone at university (but when you're actually living and working and having to balance your whole life out), it's difficult to spend the right amount of time with everyone you care about. it's almost as if my friends had also joined that club of thinking 'she will never meet anyone' for the amount they were prepared for it. surely it was going to happen, eventually? why can't they be happy? (they are all in relationships too).

    It just makes me mad. I want my time just to see my new guy on a saturday night, given his hideously long hours job.

    Sorry, I'm angry tonight, and I can't show it, so I'm showing it to the blog.

    x

  • recent writings

    Hello

    Wanted to blog some thing I've written recently.

    Here we go:

    Ever since

    Ever since our conversation
    I've been lost in desolation
    Wondered what will happen to me
    now I know we disagree.

    Can't you hold your tongue? just listen
    to the things you say to me
    maybe then you'd wonder less
    why you're trapped and I am free.

    Ever since we held each other
    in the darkness on our own
    I've been circling the prospect
    you were built to be alone

    and the moonlight lifts the ceiling
    and the silence cracks the sky
    all the feelings safe between us
    maybe now we'll say goodbye.

    ---

  • the order of things

    Got a few moments to blog before I really should go to bed. I have a feeling that the snow may cause me to have a bit of a hectic day tomorrow. things generally seem a lot more hectic than they used to. I suppose that's to be expected when you're 'in a new relationship' but, I'm still finding that things are taking a while to get back in order after quite a surprising and overwhelming new addition to my lifestyle. I was generally really used to seeing my friends and family all the time and letting my weeks revolve around a couple of nights out, a sing song or two and then a weekend at a mate's place. now, i'm struggling a bit to fit everything in.

    I feel quite guilty lately. I'm apologising to people too often. I found myself on the phone to my mum while clothes shopping today with the new guy, discussing when we were going to see each other next. it's going to be longer than it should be because i'm so busy trying to satisfy every element of my phone book.

    I have a feeling that it won't be long before I really start letting people down. But, on the other side of that coin, all of this is long overdue. Fair enough, it's awkward to suddenly have to jig things around and look at the 'order' of things, but if I wasn't really, really happy and enjoying myself, I wouldn't be treading quite so carefully. and it's not as if the people who matter to me the most have never let me down themselves.

    I'm enjoying everything about being with someone instead of by myself. I just hope it lasts. My fingers are officially crossed.

    x

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