not a diary

Hurrah for it nearly being April. That's one month away from my birthday month. I like May a lot. But April is nearly as good. It did, after all, inspire my favourite ever opening line of poetry:

'April is the cruelest month'

I've never got over how beautiful that statement is... but I suppose it does need to be followed up by the rest of The Wasteland to be properly 'arresting'. Still, t-s eliot was writing that spring is a difficult time for people because it reveals wounds. well... i'm not sure spring will be like that for me this year.

i'm feeling more and more positive about things. recently decided to move out of my current place, owing to the mentalness of a certain craaazy housemate, and into a bigger place where i'll have more of my own space to play with. the new boyo and i continue to go from strength to strength, although i am realising slowly that relationships don't have to be either one thing or another - hearts, chocolates, flowers and flames or catastrophe, depression and not wanting to get up in the morning... we're working on getting to a middle ground between the two.

we were discussing the other night how much easier it is now that we're approaching issues as a team. it's been great to lean on my friends (and to be able to) over the last few years, but it's also nice to be able to lean on someone in a different way. i'm slowly getting hooked into it. hook, line and sinker. :-)

x

The last few days have been interesting...

I went to Scotland for the first time. Fair enough, it was only to go to a conference and then come straight back again, but it still counts as Scotland and I was definately 'there'. I gave a little talk at the conference and met a few interesting people, then I came home. Doesn't sound all that exciting when you write it down like that, but considering my 'work confidence' has been at an all time low for the last few weeks, a bit of an opportunity to 'show what I could do' was great, and gripped in both hands.

Flying home last night across a clear sky I looked out of the window and saw the London Eye and Big Ben, I could practically see the time on Big Ben too... and that's the first time I've ever really known where abouts over London I was flying in... so that was exciting too and quite uplifting, seeing everything so small down there and so beautful. I've always said I wouldn't want to live in London but I am starting to at least realise the realms of different places I could live and travel. I liked Edinburgh and I'd like to go back. They actually have ben and jerry dispensers over there. Not vending machines, DISPENSERS. that's surely total madness, but it's true.

Then today I zoomed across london again this time by car to spend the day with a couple of friends. It was lovely to have another day out of the office and it's helping to put things back into perspective and making me quit my ceaseless complaining. I mean, at least I have a job which pays my way and some prospects, I may just have to wait a little longer to realise them. If I'd looked for another job a year ago I know I wouldn't be having the same 'waiting game' issues but a year ago, it wouldn't have been the right time to leave work. and I wouldn't have had such a bad experience as to make me really want to. now I can appreciate how fulfilling my job has been in the past and I'm able to say 'I want that back', at least. Bad work experiences do at least give you an idea of 'how you want it to be', and before now, I didn't really know how I liked to work or the sorts of people I liked to work with.

Tomorrow I'm going away for a night with my new guy. well, maybe not so new now we've been seeing each other for a while but we're still not at that stage where we're fully a part of each others' lives, so I guess we're still 'dating' in a way. I enjoy that part of relationships but at the same time I'm really looking forward to doing normal things as well as over blown romantic weekends. it would be nice to get to that comfortable stage with someone, even maybe to live with someone i'm in a relationship with. i can see us getting there, but at the same time, I don't know. So, I'm just going to continue the dating game and see what it brings.

I hope that spring has fully sprung wherever you are...
K