not a diary

So, I'm now 24 hours into being 25... and I don't feel particularly different, but then I suppose I didn't really expect to feel older overnight.

Birthdays are interesting things. I've always been quite into celebrating my birthday but this year it seems to have hauled quite a few feelings out into the ether and dragged a few contacts back into my mobile phone which i'd hoped were long gone. at the same time it seems to have highlighted to me even more that those i wish were there just aren't there anymore.

things are changing, for me and for those i'm closest to. i'm starting to get used to the idea of change, but i'm also wishing certain things could have stayed the same.

that's getting older, i guess. maybe that's growing up.

The thought suddenly occured to me, working at home this afternoon and still nursing a slightly painful tummy, that 3D communication isn't what it used to be. It certainly isn't for me, anyway.
The amount of ways we now have to communicate with the people around us keep on multiplying every day. But are we really communicating, or are we just putting our thoughts 'out there' into the ether because what we're really trying to say is 'i still exist, i still exist, i still exist.'? That's an interesting debate.
For people who use social networking for work, I guess it's slightly different. My friend works in social media, not that I know what that means, but she seems to live on twitter (or twatter, as I sometimes refer to it). She recently pressed me to join up, although I don't quite understand what I've joined in with. The same goes for facebook these days. Maybe because I'm starting to have to prioritise my connections in order to fit everyone in, I see the point of social networking less and less.
I can understand a blog, slightly more. at least it give you an unlimited amount of space for what you are trying to s- (well, you get the gist).
So, what are those seemingly addicted 'facebook-ers' or 'twitterers' trying to say to others, then? and since when did all of that 'so and so has poked themselves in the eye' or 'so and so just ate a twix' stuff replaced 'hey, how are you, fancy a coffee?' it seems that's a phrase which has sort of dried up. so... are we using facebook and other media sites as a way of escaping actual (3D) interaction with people we care about? to me, snuggling up on the sofa with someone and going over the events of the day has far more value than whatever I might choose to fire into the world wide web.
3D comms seem to be becoming a dying art. and gosh I miss them.

I love this poem by ee.cummings and am in a contemplative and tired mood so I thought I'd post it:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

lovely.
x

The concept of space, and finding a place in the world, is something which has been on my mind for a while. Since October 2008 I've been living in shared houses close to my job, and discovering both the plus sides and down sides of living with total strangers. Downsides, you can end up with some complete weirdos. On the plus side, you might meet a complete gem, like rich, my ex housemate from over the road who has become a good friend.

At the moment i'm living with a couple who work odd hours, which means that most of the time, if i'm home they aren't, and the same goes for when they're off work, which tends to be week days. that's all fair enough but i do still get the distinct feeling that i'm living in someone elses' house (which I am, despite paying shed loads of rent). it's a great house with loads of space, a huge kitchen i could have a barn dance in, and i look forward to nights to myself here, but it's not mine.

my partner also has a shared house. add this together with my shared house scenario and it seems more obvious than ever before that neither of us have a space which is just ours. His house is slightly more relaxed and there's more of a feeling of shared ownership, but still neither of us have decided what our houses look like, and i think we'd both like to get there at some point. This weekend, we retreated to my folk's house because they were away for the weekend. It was a total release to be able to say 'i'm going to dump my shoes there, my bag there, and sit here' and not have to think about things like shower timings, mess in the kitchen etc. We both agreed it felt like being on holiday.

So, when is a good time to head into your own personal space? When will it be the right time for me to make my first steps on the property ladder? Is that a ladder I particularly want to look at right now? and if I did decide to get my own space, does it make sense to move in with him, stuff the consequences, compromise on location for the sake of more time together in our own space? who knows.

or is personal space or 'place in the world' about more than sofas and showers and bed linen? is it really about feeling at home with yourself, not your belongings? is there really a right time to make any step in life or do steps in life just bash you over the head when you least expect them, again I'm not sure.

i suppose i'll continue hunting.