question is... when is the right time to grow up? 25? 28? 32? at what point are you supposed to settle down and am I doing it at the right time? my only doubt comes from the experiences of others, not myself - i only ever question my decision when I remember what others have been through since settling down, perhaps too early, perhaps wrongly, who knows.

I find I'm a lot more tired than I used to be these days. It could be from getting older, but I'm not that old yet. it might be that I can no longer eat the vast quantities I've been used to, and that my metabolism is slowing down a bit, but I feel a bit like an every expanding... slug.

anyway, hope everyone else is feeling less sluggish.
off to face the last few moments of the midweek day.

x

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My sister has asked that I read something at her wedding. At first she said she wanted me to read 'something shakespeare', but the only proper wedding sonnet is surely 'let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.' and I can't read that. it's mine! (for my IMAGINARY wedding) so I have settled on something else. Ruling one poem out isn't really that helpful though, I need to pick one!

I'm sat on my bed about to start watching the wimbledon ladies final, two sisters playing each other... what a strange situation. I'm not exactly the most 'sisterly' of sisters with mine, she lives in another country and I struggle to feel much of a connection with her most of the time, but there IS one there. my parents constantly remind me that to my sister i'm probably more like a best friend, despite the fact we rarely talk - that's just how she is. and with me, i keep my best friends so much closer so i don't see how she could feel that way. the next year will be interesting, getting ready for her wedding, perhaps building that whole connection again.

later i will attempt to cook a dinner for the other half.
hopefully not pork.

x

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Places I'd Like Us to go.

Boston city centre.
Your eyes wide in Quincy Market
oysters buried deep into the ice.

Holding each other tight at night
in a single hotel bed
off 5th avenue -

You photograph department stores
and pause to wonder
at the scale
of everything.

In Canada
deserted. Snow.
My hand unlaced,
Your hand let go.

Yet with your music in my ears
I can progress,
All heart, I pace through galleries, suspense.

a kiss on London's Southbank,
putting light into the
darkness

countryside at night
and now by torchlight
we are locking up the church

entangled now beside the firelight
I have found -

your mouth
your hands
your arms

my everything.

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Very recently, a friend I have known my whole life, even before I was born (our parents met at anti-natal), has ended her 5 and a half year relationship with her partner. it was completely her decision and I'm sure that she hadn't been fully happy for a long time. I have another friend who has been with her partner for 4 years, more or less since we graduated, and I suspect in my heart of hearts that those days may well soon be numbered. I may be surprised, I just don't know. When is 'enough', officially enough, then? I know it's a brave decision to end a long term relationship but seriously, when does that final blow thud down, and you just know? there must be a moment, somewhere along the line, when you realise you're happier without that person than you could be with them.

Since I have been with my current partner, I have slowly been able to relax and unpick a lot of the values I held for so long over 'what's important to me in a relationship'. Before I met him, all I really cared about was the chase, the uncertainty, that slight lack of confidence 'that person' gives you when they don't call, or ignore what they should understand of 'your needs'. I put so much energy into the analysis of what didn't happen, things that didn't exist, that I totally lost sight of the real-deal. How much do I actually see this 'important' person? How often do they, spontaneously, think of me?

The buzz you got when they finally did call, or did respond to me in the way I wanted them to respond, made up for all those evenings where I wondered if they really cared. It seems bizarre to me now that I could have honestly believed their sincerity when all they were willing to do was send me a text message. It's clear to me now that no real relationship can ever survive on the power of media-messages alone. Contact with my partner is incredibly important to me, but not the sort which can be deleted at the push of a button. I mean the sort that's next to you at night, the kind that's willing to hold your hand and meet those other people who keep your world turning, and invite you in the same way to appreciate what makes them tick.

Not only has my new relationship made me look at my friends' situations with a clearer idea of my own values, it also has made me consider the other friendships and contacts I keep with the same clarity. it has made me very gradually consider when 'enough' is really enough in terms of all the people I try to keep close to me. when is it going to be my turn not to respond to the questions they ask me. when will the shoe be on the other foot for them - when will they be scratching their heads, wondering how I feel about them, if I still give two hoots, if there's still time in my life for them. I suppose I can't answer the question of when that will happen to them. all I know is I am finding it increasingly difficult to be on the receiving end of silence - I have less time for silence in my life. I thought that relationships taught you how to put another person first in your actions, but mine is actually teaching me to rank my own head and mental wellbeing a little higher than I had previously.

i think that's a good thing, i'm just waiting for it to lead me to close a few doors on people who for quite some time now, haven't been on the other side.

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Birthdays are interesting things. I've always been quite into celebrating my birthday but this year it seems to have hauled quite a few feelings out into the ether and dragged a few contacts back into my mobile phone which i'd hoped were long gone. at the same time it seems to have highlighted to me even more that those i wish were there just aren't there anymore.

things are changing, for me and for those i'm closest to. i'm starting to get used to the idea of change, but i'm also wishing certain things could have stayed the same.

that's getting older, i guess. maybe that's growing up.

Comments

Comments

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

lovely.
x

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At the moment i'm living with a couple who work odd hours, which means that most of the time, if i'm home they aren't, and the same goes for when they're off work, which tends to be week days. that's all fair enough but i do still get the distinct feeling that i'm living in someone elses' house (which I am, despite paying shed loads of rent). it's a great house with loads of space, a huge kitchen i could have a barn dance in, and i look forward to nights to myself here, but it's not mine.

my partner also has a shared house. add this together with my shared house scenario and it seems more obvious than ever before that neither of us have a space which is just ours. His house is slightly more relaxed and there's more of a feeling of shared ownership, but still neither of us have decided what our houses look like, and i think we'd both like to get there at some point. This weekend, we retreated to my folk's house because they were away for the weekend. It was a total release to be able to say 'i'm going to dump my shoes there, my bag there, and sit here' and not have to think about things like shower timings, mess in the kitchen etc. We both agreed it felt like being on holiday.

So, when is a good time to head into your own personal space? When will it be the right time for me to make my first steps on the property ladder? Is that a ladder I particularly want to look at right now? and if I did decide to get my own space, does it make sense to move in with him, stuff the consequences, compromise on location for the sake of more time together in our own space? who knows.

or is personal space or 'place in the world' about more than sofas and showers and bed linen? is it really about feeling at home with yourself, not your belongings? is there really a right time to make any step in life or do steps in life just bash you over the head when you least expect them, again I'm not sure.

i suppose i'll continue hunting.

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I have very few words lately. It seems the more I say, the less I achieve. Everytime something is gained these days, something else seems to be lost. I've never asked for everything around me to stay the same, but I suppose I'm struggling to get my head around the fact that I'm not in control of peoples' feelings towards me. And, in reality, it matters not two hoots how much I care for others, or even what I feel in my own head, if they don't want to care or feel anything in return, they just won't.

Elizabeth Bishop wrote a famous poem called 'One Art'. It's beautiful, and I love it, and it's about losing a friend. It's a poem which is full of 'I don't care' bravado, but the depth of how alone she is feeling is clear. So, I'll leave the rest of this blog to her, as I'm unable to articulate things these days.

One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-x-

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I've been doing a lot more 'staying put' than before in the last couple of weeks. I've moved house and the new place is a lot nicer. It makes me more inclined just to 'veg' on the sofa or in the garden. I have housemates who don't behave like maniacs (so far), although I don't know how they could with the hours they work, and I have neighbours who I can chat to, and several fat-looking friendly cats who creep into the lounge when the back door is open and settle down with me and my marmite on toast. I also have dave, who makes me happier than I've been in about 5 years. I had a thought the other day that he makes me happier than I've EVER been but then I realised that's not the case, it's a happiness I could probably best compare to that happiness you have as a kid which you don't appreciate because you have no sadness to compare it to. So, I've come to the decision that i'm happier than I've ever been as an adult.

He has a good balance in his personality. he is capable of being crazy but also of calming me right down. we're both a bit of a mish-mash i suppose. we both like the same things and think in the same ways about a lot of things, but then we disagree on some fundamentals, like religion and music. the whole thing seems to work very well.

He makes me think about things which aren't all that unpleasant to think about too. It's lovely to imagine some sort of future with someone, and experience things with someone. Although I love spending time with my friends and my folks, it makes a huge difference to me to have a saturday to myself but to think 'well shall we go out for lunch? shall we go see a film?' it's just those spontaneous, unplanned good times that previously would involve copious amounts of planning, now they just happen. Also, I'm starting to look at people around me in a slightly different way, and perhaps understand a little better people's motivations for doing the things they do. The picture is getting clearer.

I have made a huge effort since dave came along to sort out things with my friends at the same rate as a used to so i don't get accused of what I used to accuse them of when they were first with their partners. but actually, i've found that it makes me more stressed than i should be to have to worry about that sort of thing. I haven't abandoned anyone, and nobody means any less to me. Some friends have changed their behaviour towards me which is sort of saddening, but i suppose i didn't understand their motivations in the first place.

right, am off to look at places to have lunch today.
i think i'm entitled to the first 'mushy' blog post since january.
x

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'April is the cruelest month'

I've never got over how beautiful that statement is... but I suppose it does need to be followed up by the rest of The Wasteland to be properly 'arresting'. Still, t-s eliot was writing that spring is a difficult time for people because it reveals wounds. well... i'm not sure spring will be like that for me this year.

i'm feeling more and more positive about things. recently decided to move out of my current place, owing to the mentalness of a certain craaazy housemate, and into a bigger place where i'll have more of my own space to play with. the new boyo and i continue to go from strength to strength, although i am realising slowly that relationships don't have to be either one thing or another - hearts, chocolates, flowers and flames or catastrophe, depression and not wanting to get up in the morning... we're working on getting to a middle ground between the two.

we were discussing the other night how much easier it is now that we're approaching issues as a team. it's been great to lean on my friends (and to be able to) over the last few years, but it's also nice to be able to lean on someone in a different way. i'm slowly getting hooked into it. hook, line and sinker. :-)

x

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I went to Scotland for the first time. Fair enough, it was only to go to a conference and then come straight back again, but it still counts as Scotland and I was definately 'there'. I gave a little talk at the conference and met a few interesting people, then I came home. Doesn't sound all that exciting when you write it down like that, but considering my 'work confidence' has been at an all time low for the last few weeks, a bit of an opportunity to 'show what I could do' was great, and gripped in both hands.

Flying home last night across a clear sky I looked out of the window and saw the London Eye and Big Ben, I could practically see the time on Big Ben too... and that's the first time I've ever really known where abouts over London I was flying in... so that was exciting too and quite uplifting, seeing everything so small down there and so beautful. I've always said I wouldn't want to live in London but I am starting to at least realise the realms of different places I could live and travel. I liked Edinburgh and I'd like to go back. They actually have ben and jerry dispensers over there. Not vending machines, DISPENSERS. that's surely total madness, but it's true.

Then today I zoomed across london again this time by car to spend the day with a couple of friends. It was lovely to have another day out of the office and it's helping to put things back into perspective and making me quit my ceaseless complaining. I mean, at least I have a job which pays my way and some prospects, I may just have to wait a little longer to realise them. If I'd looked for another job a year ago I know I wouldn't be having the same 'waiting game' issues but a year ago, it wouldn't have been the right time to leave work. and I wouldn't have had such a bad experience as to make me really want to. now I can appreciate how fulfilling my job has been in the past and I'm able to say 'I want that back', at least. Bad work experiences do at least give you an idea of 'how you want it to be', and before now, I didn't really know how I liked to work or the sorts of people I liked to work with.

Tomorrow I'm going away for a night with my new guy. well, maybe not so new now we've been seeing each other for a while but we're still not at that stage where we're fully a part of each others' lives, so I guess we're still 'dating' in a way. I enjoy that part of relationships but at the same time I'm really looking forward to doing normal things as well as over blown romantic weekends. it would be nice to get to that comfortable stage with someone, even maybe to live with someone i'm in a relationship with. i can see us getting there, but at the same time, I don't know. So, I'm just going to continue the dating game and see what it brings.

I hope that spring has fully sprung wherever you are...
K

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Gosh, I'm tired. It's been one of those weekends and I have the feeling it's been the same for others I care about.

I moved out a while ago into a houseshare with 3 others who I didn't know. At first I thought I'd 'got lucky' in the sense that although we are all very different, we seemed to manage to live together pretty easily. problems, however, do emerge over time when you're sharing communal space with people. One of my housemates recently moved his girlfriend in (with our permission). I didn't mind the suggestion at all, she is very quiet and tidy, so i actually figured that (seeing as he is probably the messiest man alive) she might actually help the situation. Anyway, in the run up to 'sadistic love day', he was hinting to me, asking me whether I was going to be home... and I told him I would be. the tension has been building between him and I for a while. He owes me quite a lot of money for communal bills and that's frustrating in itself. Then... saturday morning dawned.

I went downstairs where the following conversation began.
him - 'morning'
me - 'morning'
him - 'what are you doing tonight?'
me - 'boyf is coming over. why?'
him - 'well i want to do something special for my girlfriend'
me - 'right...'

it went on like this. he repeated and repeated that he wanted to 'do something special' and i repeated that i was going to be home. to try to get him to make his point, i said: 'what do you actually want? do you want me to get out of my house?' and that was when he exploded. his reply 'are you really that f*cking stupid??' which was nice. especially seeing as he's huge and ginger and at the time was slicing bread with a sharp knife.

anyway, the result of this argument was me telling him that i won't be spoken to like that in my own home, and him screaming and storming off. he's 28 years old and i genuinely think he must have ALWAYS got his own way.

house-shares are very strange things. but one of the main rules of house sharing is just that... you share. and so, you can't expect your housemates to get out of the house just because you want to do something special for your girlfriend who you live with, depriving your housemate of her (might i add) first EVER valentines evening with a man. in my eyes, even saying 'would you mind giving up the lounge for tonight' is a redundant statement when you live in a househare, and if you want to do something special for someone you're going out with, you should probably book a table in a restaurant.

anyway. the sum total of all of that, was (as you can tell) me getting very worked up, ringing the boyf and him fixing the entire night so that we went for dinner at his place with his housemates. was all very civilised actually. and i did really enjoy it. and receive my first ever genuinely proper valentines card. and my first ever genuinely proper valentines gift.

i conclude, however... that valentines day is for idiots.

xxx

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It just makes me mad. I want my time just to see my new guy on a saturday night, given his hideously long hours job.

Sorry, I'm angry tonight, and I can't show it, so I'm showing it to the blog.

x

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Wanted to blog some thing I've written recently.

Here we go:

Ever since

Ever since our conversation
I've been lost in desolation
Wondered what will happen to me
now I know we disagree.

Can't you hold your tongue? just listen
to the things you say to me
maybe then you'd wonder less
why you're trapped and I am free.

Ever since we held each other
in the darkness on our own
I've been circling the prospect
you were built to be alone

and the moonlight lifts the ceiling
and the silence cracks the sky
all the feelings safe between us
maybe now we'll say goodbye.

---

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I feel quite guilty lately. I'm apologising to people too often. I found myself on the phone to my mum while clothes shopping today with the new guy, discussing when we were going to see each other next. it's going to be longer than it should be because i'm so busy trying to satisfy every element of my phone book.

I have a feeling that it won't be long before I really start letting people down. But, on the other side of that coin, all of this is long overdue. Fair enough, it's awkward to suddenly have to jig things around and look at the 'order' of things, but if I wasn't really, really happy and enjoying myself, I wouldn't be treading quite so carefully. and it's not as if the people who matter to me the most have never let me down themselves.

I'm enjoying everything about being with someone instead of by myself. I just hope it lasts. My fingers are officially crossed.

x

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Everyone knows that feeling where if you write a word enough times, over and over and over again, you begin to wonder whether you are spelling it correctly. correctly. correctly. or, it loses its meaning completely. i remember the english language lecture we had at uni about 5 years ago where it was explained to us - there is no connection between the word and the object it signifies.

There is no reason why a piece of wood on 4 legs which can be used to eating meals together or studying is called a 'table'. There is absolutely no connection between the shape of the word and the thing. t-a-b-l- and e are just totally arbitary symbols and if we had grown up all our lives to believe this signified a tall leafy structure with branches, then a table would be a tree. the only reason why 'table' means what it means to us is because it relates and fits into the world of words around it. without going too deeply into theory of linguistics, that's where i'll have to stop. but there you go.

but it's amazing how all these words, linked to signs and signifiers, begin to mean so much to people. i've always been a very 'wordy' person - but that's because of my background and how i've always tended to rely on words to get my point of view across. although i would agree that 'actions speak louder than words', if i'm under pressure i will always retreat into the world of words. at work, if the pressure is on i'll put together a huge report about the issue. in a relationship, i am much happier when i don't have to express my feelings in front of another person, and i'm discovering more and more lately that it makes me incredibly uncomfortable when i feel like it's 'my turn to say something.'

i suppose the more comfortable i become the easier the words flow both from my mouth and onto the page. but we'll see what happens as time goes on.

as per tradition i have found a poem about this issue of words.

Note to the reader : this is not a poem

The pictures are falling from my walls
because the paint is too heavy.
Illusionary landscapes are real landscapes now.

No need for tonality of warmth or colour.
Now I write another poem that nobody will read.
There is loneliness in these words

I tell you, the supposed reader, in plain terms.
There is no need to hide behind poetry.
I won't try to be clever with you.

-x-

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Nobody knew the way I used to see you
not even you.
Or how often I thought of you alone.

I used to say 'I'll tell you everything'
but I was too afraid.
because I never knew if you would say the same.

And no-one knew the dreams I used to have
not even you.
I used to think that I could hold your hand
and you would smile.

It wasn't all just heat and energy
not all about a fire that burned in me-
there was a part of me which fiercely
hoped for you.

and no-one knew.

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I've recently met someone who I think (and cross my fingers) could play quite a signficant part in how things go for me in the next few months. For quite some time I've been waiting for something like this to happen, and now it seems (again, touch wood) that it is. I'm suddenly being launched at terrifying speed into a slightly warmer world where someone puts their arms around you when you least expect it, comes out with words you thought they wouldn't want to say so easily. where everything is based almost entirely on discovery and anticipation.

So, why then... do i feel a bit churned up? At the same time as a rather large piece of me is running about in circles wanting to completely absorb themselves, and act like a total lunatic for another person, there is a teeny tiny part of me that's churning, and worrying. and thinking 'not again, please not again. please THIS time.' i seriously hope so. i'd had enough for a traumatic and dark 2008 where i just floated in a total mist of feeling sorry for myself and those around me. i'm completely ready to be shared with someone else and quit locking the door.

I've had a look in my books, which is what I always tend to do when I want to see how other people have described the feelings I currently have. and I found this. which isn't quite how i feel... but it's lovely. I don't believe at all in love at first sight. but i love how the poet talks about how he doesn't either:

Love at first sight

They're both convinced
that a sudden passion joined them.
Such certainty is beautiful,
but uncertainty is more beautiful still.

Since they'd never met before, they're sure
that there'd been nothing between them.
But what's the word from the streets, staircases, hallways-
perhaps they've passed by each other a million times?

I want to ask them
if they don't remember
a moment face to face
in some revolving door?
perhaps a 'sorry' muttered in a crowd?
a curt 'wrong number' caught in the receiver?
but I know the answer.
No, they don't remember.

They'd be amazed to hear
that chance has been toying with them
now for years.

Not quite ready yet
to become their destiny,
it pushed them close, drove them apart,
it barred their path,
stiffling a laugh,
and then leaped aside.

There were doorknobs and doorbells
where one touch had covered another
beforehand.
Suitcases checked and standing side by side.
One night, perhaps, the same dream
grown hazy by morning.

Every beginning
is only a sequel, after all,
and the book of events
is always open halfway through.

-x-

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I can't write very much as I have been struck down by that horrible flu bug going around. so i've got a really huuuge headache and i'm having to stay pretty near the bathroom.

however...

it looks like 2009 is going to be brighter. i've begun my new years resolution early and i'm just hoping that all the efforts i'm attempting to make to improve things for myself will start to pay off in the next few weeks.

i'm also hoping that others close to me will do things that will change things for them for the better. people are always telling me the moves i need to make, and now that i've begun to make them, i hope they will also take a swig of their own medicine.

everyone around me has huge potential and i hate seeing my friends in dead-end jobs which they hate, or making themselves suffer for the apparent good of others. 2009, i hope, will be the year of 'getting what you want'.

well, there's a recession, so it's every one for themselves

wishing everyone a very fulfilling 2009.
with love
kath

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Lately I have had to raise my eyebrows quite a bit at the behaviour of my friends. I love them all to pieces and I would absolutely never let them down in a million years. If they needed me to cancel my plans, literally drop everything to scrape them off the floor, i would. and I'm starting to think i would offer them too much, and end up in minus-credits myself. but, i keep getting stuck on the point that i would never disappoint them or let them down. ever. even if i believed they were wrong, even if i wanted to shake them. i'd shake them first, hug them later.

all things considered then, it's been a rough few months. i hope it's coming to a close at the moment but it's dregged up a lot of feelings for me and i've been writing quite a bit in the notebook i keep on me all the time. Here are a few of the words i've come up with:

Uneven Equation

Reeling, and aware of it,
I wonder what I'd do if I found you
also shakey, also so wide-eyed
so vague and yet so definate?
and what exactly would I do
if you came to me in tears
arms slumped across the steering wheel
whispering 'i need you' in a whirl.

I think it would be natural to me
to say 'i'm there'
i'd draw on my reserves and be alert
in case you let the darkness in
and i'd allow it (as I always have)
each soft expression, passing whim
I'd try to make a nightlight out of it,
present you with a little shard of hope
I would become a rock, a pebble, or a stone.

Now tell me how it's possible
for me to feel alone when you are near?
Now tell me why I have to come to terms
with this dark moment, by myself?
I almost cried last night, but then I felt
your absense filling me where other
energy has been.
and I can't cry,
I can't do anything.

---

Faith

I can't believe we've said goodbye to you
the cornerstone has been removed
we're running round in circles in the dark

you were good head to foot
and truthful from the inside out
and not outshined by anyone i know

and i despise the people in the churches
i hate the optimism, see the cracks
this is a pain my heart can't take

i'm sorry if i let you down or hurt you
or said i wanted it to all be over
i only want you back.

xxx

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Not a lie

It is not the truth.
and I am acting quite unlike myself
as I begin
I said to you
it's hard to win me over
what a lie
the hardest thing for me
is this goodbye.

i can't pronounce it
but, i do not trust you anymore
and that is not a lie.
so carve it into wood and hang it up
so everyone can see
what's been happening
to me
you might as well tell me to go -
but you should know.
i have been sliced in two
by you.

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I'm determined not to 'hide out' on the internet buying things on amazon.com but i do begin to feel like a total insignificant when i'm queueing up in hmv behind several 'yummy mummies' with nintendo DS-es or playstation-thingies.

why is christmas always so...
sweaty
sticky
tacky
argumentative
fattening

when it should be
festive
joyous
friendly
give-cuddles
warm

I think I'm going to try to have a christmas more like the below, so if anyone doesn't get a present, I'm sorry. I spent the money on mince pies and mulled wine. Oops.

x

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Many who say friend,
friend, clutch their balls like prayers
for fear something of themselves
may break loose and get away

many who mumble love,
love, keep an eye fixed for the fire
ladder, the exit hatch and at the first
sign of trouble do not hang around to chat.

many who talk of community
called the real estate agent last night
and the papers are drawn up to sell their land
to a nuclear power plant that shows dirty movies.

Don't count your friends by their buttons
until you have pushed them a few times.

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Losing someone is very difficult, even if I did know it was going to happen, and seeing the pain of people I love is also very difficult, because I can't control it at the same time as feeling really down about things myself.

Normally I use my job as a bit of an outlet for the home stresses I've had over the last year, but since September my working world has been turned on its head so that now, instead of saying my piece in a meeting and persuading others around to my way of thinking, i'm left in a situation where I have nothing to persuade about - i'm out of almost every loop going and I find myself in meetings with people hearing things for the first time which are going on in the office next door to me. but that's how this year is going to go, so i can either lie down and take it or continuously look for other work.

I recently found a job I could apply for which really leapt out of the computer screen at me as a viable option, but it means changing my life style a lot and going back to when I was a lot more reflective all the time about things and their meaning. a friend asked me when i'd last been totally happy the other day and i would say it was when i had no real commitments and was just studying and relaxing. but being a permanent student isn't what i want, i'd prefer to help others but not by doing a pgce and being a teacher, by helping people see different ways of understanding things. and through doing that, by making people think that words are beautiful. because they are. that's what my lecturers at uni did for me.

last night i picked up an essay in an anthology of essays i used to have to read weekly and talk about. i dreaded the seminars because the theory was so exhausting. I opened the page at Jacques Derrida, 'La Differance' and I read the first paragraph. and i still understood it. which, for someone like Derrida, is quite an achievement. so, maybe it is still what i want to do, somewhere along the line. i'm always so happy when i'm telling people about my favourite books and poems. i'm not sure whether that makes me a complete sad-case, or just an english graduate. who knows.

I suppose I'm one of those people who likes being good at things and avoids the things they are not good at. i'm not very good at managing people, so i avoid confrontations at work. i'm not very good at being honest about my feelings, so i'm not. and when i am, it's with a huge amount of fear that i'll lose something or someone precious. i'm also not good at seeing things from the outside in instead of the inside out. so when i don't get the reaction i was after i always think destructive things like 'but i would NEVER hurt that person, so why are they hurting me?' instead of something more constructive like 'maybe they are doing it totally unintentionally'. i suppose i've never been in a situation where i've really needed others as much as i do now. there's something quite scary about them not taking the bait.

i can't help thinking that at the moment, it's going to be a bit difficult for me to be almost 'saint-like' in my approach to things and people. a friend told me yesterday that i'm 'incredibly needy' and i should ask myself why. but i would say it is because i'm trying to find my place in the world. but aren't we all...

Thought I'd end the blog with a list of my favourite books/poems because it makes me happy to tell them to people. so, in no particular order then...

The Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
East of Eden - John Steinbeck
Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenedes
Fiesta - The Sun Also Rises - Hemingway
The Rainbow/Women in Love - DH Lawrence
Great Expectations - Dickens
Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
Nights at the Circus - Angela Carter
Anything shakespeare
Anything ts eliot
The woman in white - Wilkie Collins
Middlemarch - George Eliot
The 'staying alive' and 'being alive' poetry anthologies
Arthur and George - Julian Barnes
Things fall apart - Chinua Achebe
To the lighthouse - Virginia Woolf

These are all books that make me say 'wow'. But there are many more.
-x-

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The funeral was pretty much what I expected. I thought I'd hold it together initially, but I was in tears mainly at the poignancy of the whole thing. It was like I was watching a film, particularly when my Dad spoke towards the end. It's still hard to believe a piece has been taken out of my family.

Someone mentioned family to me today and it occurs to me that family can mean different things to different people. My extended family consists of the people who I have grown up with and refer to as family when biologically I'm no more linked to them as I'm linked to a stranger on the bus. I think my whole extended family feels like a huge part of us all has gone. Even at the wake someone turned to me and said 'am I the only one expecting him to walk in?'

This was read out at the funeral and I think I should put it here otherwise in a few weeks time I might be wondering about the words.

You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

---
From my own point of view, he was one of those completely solid people. The first person you'd think of when you needed a 'favour' or practical help. He was one of those quiet stars that just simply gets on with things.

My whole family will miss him bitterly but I hope it won't be too long before it's not the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing at night.

-x-

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i am now a week and one day into a phase of my life 'so far' that i wasn't looking forward to at all. now here it is and i'm on a really high alert for every minor detail and change happening around me as a result. i need my friends and the people i care about to put their wellies on and wade right into this mess with both feet, but ultimately this is what i've been petrified for the last 6 months: that i'll be upset about this departure from my family, and everyone will turn their backs on me.

maybe i do need a bit more analysis into why i think that will happen, but at the moment i don't have the energy at all to be analysed or judged by anyone who doesn't know me. and for those people who do know me, i'd prefer them just to understand how i'm feeling and cut me the slack i need.

I was saying to a friend the other day that it's almost as if something huge has changed in my life and the lives of my family, so i expect other things to change as a result. it's almost like i want something in the world to change in recognition. and of course, it hasn't. i almost want to scream when i get a 'there's a tiny issue we need you to deal with that we've decided is the size of a large mountain' email at work, because my world has changed and nobody else has even so much as flickered. possibly that's the 'angry' stage that grief is meant to take you through.

the stages of grief are also a huge lie. i bounce between them all the time. relief, anger, sorrow, sorrow, relief, anger... sometimes i can be angry and relieved at the same time. acceptance? nope, sorry... nowhere near.

i feel a bit like i've got a constant lump in my throat. i can be talking about something completely different and then get this overwhelming 'oh shit, i'm going to cry' feeling, so i swallow it and end up with this funny tingle in my left ear as a result. ear nose and throat, all related i suppose.

a friend is going away for a few days and was showing me his 'trip' on his i-phone the other day. i think i've lost absolutely all the energy i have to feel anything other than utter selfishness at the moment, because i almost want to run to heathrow airport and chop all the wings off the planes. or sabotage the luggage system. there is something in me saying 'nope, u actually can't contain all this grief and sadness in your head by yourself. u have to communicate with people or you won't be able to cope'.

i'm really not looking forward to next week.
i suppose i'll have to grit my teeth and hope it'll pass.

-x-

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recently i've had problems staying afloat. i've had a conflict at work that has resulted in me leaving the office early on a few occassions, literally 'cowering' in meetings and generally feeling like i'm a walking shadow. confidence at work has been at an all time low but i have to pretend i'm on a high, i know the plan and i'm sticking to it. most of the time, tho.. i feel like the bull going into the ring, horns down, ready for the sword.

I've even had to have 'mediation' with a work colleague. which is frustrating. i feel as if i'm constantly pandering to children, i'm babysitting all day every day and it's about time i had a job where i could work with adults. i'm not saying work politics don't happen everywhere, but where i work i'm surrounded by people who just don't know how to behave, not just in an office, but towards their fellow human beings.

having moved out, i've now got a different perspective on home matters. i can't help feeling very protective towards my family so what i'd thought would be a positive move away from them has left me thinking i should be with them when i'm not. it's the first time i've moved away from my folks and not been 2 hours drive away, but 20 minutes. it is a bit strange knowing i could just pop over for a cup of tea with mum if i wanted. my dad seems to have been really 'troubled' by me moving out. he's always awkward with me when i turn up at home and he cried when i moved my stuff out of my room.

but, i moved away so i would stop 'parenting' my own parents.

meanwhile, the housemates are a really good bunch. they are all different and i've learnt to avoid the house at the weekends because they never seem to be in (and i'm crap at being alone!) but i'm still feeling a bit like i'm on holiday and i don't properly 'live' there yet. i'm also drinking too much. but i think that's because i don't have to drive anywhere anymore.

so, at the moment, every day is a bit of a 'will i sink of will i swim?' day. often i sink, sometimes i swim. today is a bit of a swimming day, although work has been entirely hectic, i prefer when things are happening and it's not just tension building all day everyday.

i'm still looking, generally, for a life boat, however.

x

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If I could tell you

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I cuold tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

---
and if i could, i would.

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